Taylor's oh Taylor's

Taylor's...I can't believe I'm saying this but I really miss that place...I'm not really sure why because last year at this time of year, I hated that place...I cursed it a lot everytime I went back home...reading back my earlier post,I'm not sure when I started to bond with that place...is it when the time I met the MARA guys? is it when I met Annisa and the gang? or I really started to bond that place at the beginning of sem 2 when I had a lot of friends? I remember walking alone to the library everytime there's a gap between classes. I had a friend but he used to cut classes so I was always alone. Even when in class I couldn't begin a convo. "I just want to go back to my room" was always in my head during that time. I think after the field trip I was feeling better because I got close to some of the MARA students. They accepted me at first and it was fun. Islamic Studies was the only class I looked forward to come. Then I met new people by the lake...one was from Sarawak and one was from Johor. For the first time in months,I was actually happy. Even one of my friends said that I looked happier than before. Every night I went out with them to eat. Sometimes I didn't eat but I just studied with them. It was really fun. I actually had reasons to go to campus more than I should...Farah Yunos, Kak Sya, Annisa, Cat, Syamim, Jarir...Bisyri, Nadiah, Goh...I opened up to them...laugh with them...went out with them...all the things I thought was impossible after the break up...they thought me a lot...lessons learned that I will never forget...I could still seem them on the weekends...they're not so far away...I keep telling myself that...but it's different now isn't it?

I'm not sure...I miss them a lot...everyday seems so hard to get through...every morning  my body feels so heavy to get up from bed...damn it...my head is confuse...everyone said that it will take some time for me to get comfortable here...how long will it take? how much more can I take? Sometimes I feel like I just want to pack my begs and go there to be there with them again...damn it...how is it that I've become so weak? I don't remember being this weak last year....is it because I've opened up to some people? Is trusting people makes you weak? I'm not really sure...hoping for anyone to comfort me everyday,it probably what I want...but it is too much to ask from someone...I know I have to be strong...but how...

Damn it...early this year,I didn't trust anyone with my problems...I hid and ran away from everyone I was close to...with that,my bond with a few people turned upside down...she even scolded me and asked why I'd always ran away when I have a problem...that's the only way I see fit to let my problems go away...There's nothing anyone could do...Even if I said anything,and knowing they can't help,and it makes them sad...But since then, I let some people in...for a while, they made me happy...I didn't hate Taylor's anymore...I began to love spending my time there with them...they made me stronger...In February, I decided to leave Taylor's..I began to hate that place again after some fight had happened...I was struggling with people around me...even of my friends said that I looked tired and anxious...I've made up my mind at that time that I wanted to go away as far as possible...but now...why did I wanted to leave...I could have just gone to Monash and be near to them...damn it...Sometimes I really wish that I could turn back time and stop me from entering the form to Nottingham...

But now...it's different again...

Is It Over?

9-2? Is equal to 7 months right? So it has already been 7 months since she and I fought...sometimes the days are easy but some seems like forever...probably it is my fault that we fought...that's why I'm feeling so guilty...

She was fun, hyperactive, always smiling, always making people laugh even when they're down...she was one interesting friend...one I still regret losing over some stupid gossip...I should have confront her sooner...sooner that the gossip spreads out...even after the gossip got out and she believed it, I still wasn't able to manage it very well...was she emberrassed? It's a bit lonely here...and I kept thinking about Taylor's...all the mistakes I've made...I wish I could take it all back...I tried talking to her...but it seems like she's still angry towards me...what I should do? or rather, what can I do? I've tried everything and every one of my friends said to just ignore her...is this the right way?

New Place, A New Life

Last week was orientation week...it was fightening...trying to get along....trying to meet new people...trying to adapt...the 1st night felt like forever...I couldn't sleep...the next day was orientation...there were lectures the whole day...but I went back home later that evening...

My classes started yesterday...it was less frightening...but once I got back to my rented house,everything seems to be upside down...although I had a friend from Taylor's sharing a room with me, 'that' feeling didn't go away...pictures of the ones I cared about keep popping in my head...and everytime,a tear will come out...I just hope this feeling won't last for too long...I tried asking a few of my friends...and each of them gave a different answer...it was sad though...it felt like I was dissapointing them...but they kept saying that this feeling will go away and I was lucky enough that I could still see my family on the weekends...I know that and I keep telling myself that there are others who suffered more than me...but the feelings still didn't go away...this is only the 2nd day...I jus hope by next week,it will disappear...but for the people who gave me advice and are so patient with me, I just want to say that I really appreciate it...thank you :)

19 Years Old

Wow...I'm 19 already...and next year I'm going to be 20! Shoot...I feel so old...looking back I haven't really change this last few years...not emotionally...but some say that I think differently now...is it because of the break up? Not really sure...but probably it played some part to it...I read back a few messages that I've saved last year...

Reading it back, I sounded so childish...shoot...then I went and read some of the comments that I posted on some of my friends' photos...the same...and it was just last year! How could I've been like that? No wonder people always picked on me...but looking back, I've always felt different...people always looked at me differently anyway...it's so irratating...I've made so many mistakes in just one year...and in just one year, I lost 3 friends...or maybe more but my record still stands though...but could I really called them my 'friends'? I thought friends are the ones who will do anything but hurt you...and they won't let small matters tear them apart...sometimes I really do wonder is it only me that cherished every bond I've made and other's just don't care about it...why is it that the people who fought with me are always the respected ones and have many friends and me, well, people always dislike me...for years I've watched by the side lines...have I really change in some ways? Or it's just that my heart has turn cold...I thought I left all this drama in High School...looks like it followed me...could I really be the same guy who my old friends respected? Is he really still inside of me somewhere...sometimes I really do think that I've become a monster...is it by getting older, I'll become more heartless?

Foundation Year

I've finally finished my foundation year! Yeah...Well, let's start from the beginning...the orientation week...

I was a nervous wreck...I didn't know anyone...I was sitting alone in lecture theater 12 behind some MARA students...and one of them looked like someone I really resent back then...So, I resent them all for a while...I don't really remember what happened in the next few days but I did made one valuable friend that I know I can cherished for the rest of my life...We were like brothers from another mother...the only bad thing is he likes to cut class =.= then I met two new guy friends...one of them was from Perak and the other was from Kedah...All 4 of us would later be hanging out together...Then Mr Yap from Algebra class introduce himself...I could still remember how hard was it for me to catch up with Algebra since I've forgotten a lot about maths...Then it was English class, Ms Vivien asked us to introduced ourselves...Then there's this one person that really reminded me of someone I knew and until now I couldn't figure out who it was...I gave up later...Then we started studying...and it was very difficult...I know that sooner or later I would have to confront the MARA students...then it came my chance in Islamic Studies...and there was one familiar face, only that she is a lot thinner than the one I knew...and for the 1st time in 11 years, I was excited to be in Islamic Studies' class...I met a lot of new people...then there's the Islamic Studies' trip to a kindergarten...it was exciting and overwhelming...I still resented a few at the time and there was this one particular that hated me but she was the one that helped me to calm the kids down...I can't believe how much she's grown over the months...there was this other person that caught my attention and I was really shocked how young she was...after the month of October, things got really rough...I thought I've pass that but the worse has yet to come...things have been like a roller coaster until the Finals for semester 1...I slept really late at night...sometimes up to 4 in the morning...but it was worth it...I had a lot of fun in the process...met new friends...after the Finals, even though it was only for 3 weeks, it was enough for a break...

At the beginning of the second semester, I knew that things couldn't be the same because I need to work harder since my results for my 1st sem was not that good...some friendships were tested...new bonds were formed and others were severed...things got really complicated in the month of February...and the situation got worse by the week...a lot of fights...a lot of harsh words were spoken out...fuh....but since I'm leaving that place, things will get back to normal...If one of us has to go, it should be me...then there was our Integrated Science Project...every week was a test for me...how to handle my group's decision and feelings...guess that was just the beginning...although my group didn't win, the experience I had was valuable...same goes for our English Term Project where I had to discard my feelings of shame for my group...acting? that's just isn't me...haha...I was so sick that day...I'm not really sure where did the strength to came out to the stage and continue with the role play came from...it was hard since every step I took I got weaker and weaker...I guess when you cared about people and you made a promise to go through with it, the strength just came within...no matter what happens to your body...after all of the projects and assignments were dealt with, I thought the stress would decrease, but I was wrong since the Finals were getting closer and closer and my results were still unstable...but it all paid off when I got my results a few weeks ago Alhamdulillah...

Somewhere in March, I really had planned everything to transfer into another University after Foundation year...but now, I'm not so sure...haha...although I know that transferring is the best choice for my future...guess people could really influence your decisions...now for the appreciation part...

Looking back from what I've done and the decisions I've made, there were some that I still regret...like I said, some bonds were severed but as the ones that were severed, new ones were formed...some friends were lost and there's nothing more that I could do...the ones that I've made and are still with me now, I'm grateful that I've met you guys...from the beginning I know that history will repeat itself unless I could find the answers I'm looking for...and it did, history did repeat itself in all sort of ways...and as time goes by, I'm not really sure whether I've changed for the better or worse...from my point of view, I got worse...and I think some people would agree...it's harder for me to control my anger at some point...and I lashed out at some of you...and for that, I'm very sorry...some of you must be wondering why at some point I could tell you everything, but at some point I secluded myself...that's my fault...sometimes the more I talk, the harder it gets...I know that some of you said to me to not keep it to myself...I must have made some of you angry because I still keep it to myself at times...since I'm the only son in my family, I guess it's just an automatic response...sorry for that...sometimes I think that if I did tell, some of you will get hurt...but you guys still asked me whether I'm doing okay or not...and I'm grateful that you guys still have some patience to deal with me...I know that I have many weaknesses and I'm still working it out...I've caused a lot of trouble haven't I? haha...I couldn't have asked for better people to meet with...thank you for everything and I hoped our friendship can last forever....although I'm leaving, I'll make sure to keep in touch with you guys...it was really a hectic year eh? I can't right much since the more I right, I'll get more emotional...but I'm sure you guys understand what I'm trying to say...so, again, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! YOU WILL BE MISSED! You'll always have a placed in my heart...

Here's two songs that I would like you guys to listen...

I'll Always Remember You

Wherever I Go

Sayang dan Benci

Bagaimana cara membuatmu bahagia
Nyaris ku menyerah jalani semua
Telah berbagai kata ku ungkap percuma
Agar kau percaya persahabatanku berharga

Tak kuat ku menahanmu
Mempertahankan perasaanku
Namun kau begitu saja
Tak pernah merindu

Sungguh aku tak bisa
Sampai kapan pun tak bisa
Membenci dirimu
Sesungguhnya aku tak mampu
Sulit untuk ku bisa
Sangat sulit ku tak bisa
Memisahkan segala sayang dan benci yang ku rasa

Apa kau mengerti ku sedih sendiri?
Tanpa ada kamu ku merasa sepi
Telah lama ku menantimu
Diam sendiri menunggu
Setengah hati menyayangi
Ku sakit karenamu...

Secluding...

It's true that I've been keeping my distant with some people...I don't think I can take it anymore...It's true that problems will start to rise once I get close to someone...

That's why I choose to back away...sometimes it is really sad watching myself walking alone to class...it is sad when I watch my class/coursemates walking and laughing together...they needed each other and they spend time with each other...as much as I want to join, I know that I can't...I will create problems they will never even imagine...no one can be patient with me because I can't even be patient with myself...but is this the right way? I never want to cause any more trouble than they can handle...

Overestimate...

As time goes by, I think the number of the people I can trust is getting less and less...the other day, there was a class...I went to my usual seat and getting ready for the class and the arrival of the people who always sat beside me...most of them didn't came..I think there was only two of them...So I asked them to sit beside me, but one of them said that I was boring because I was too quiet...like that wasn't hurtful enough, they went and sit beside the people who resented me...

I know I'm quiet...I know I'm boring...for years I've struggle to become more talkative...and I thought they were more mature than this...looks like I've overestimated them....all of them...

Even in my school years I've gotten that kind of insult from other people...and it's true, I don't have many friends but many enemies...just because I'm quiet...just because I'm different...like I said before, it's like high school all over again...what can I do right? It's their wish to hang out with anyone they like...and it's not me...so be it...I gave them to many chances already...enough is enough...just when I thought they were my friends...guess now, they 'were' my friends...I value our friendship but if this is how they value ours, then it's not worth it...

Nightmares...

Losing her as friend most probably one of the most regrettable moments in my life yet...i keep having the same nightmares ever since she's beginning to distance herself from me...

It's true,i am paranoid...i think a lot...it's damaging me...things haven't been right for me lately...i keep searching for that something again...once i found it,i'll ruined it...

Probably for them,i'm their nightmare...it's true what one of their friend said...everytime i get close to one girl,i'll begin to talk to her a lot...and i'll ruined the friendship as fast as i create it...it isn't right...i am not right...i'm trying to stand but i feel like i keep falling down...probably i'm not meant to have people around me...i don't know...i tried to get close but instead they're are like so far away from me...there's nothing i can do...

As long as i don't feel complete....i could never get this problem solve...as long as this problem exist it's better if i just shut myself from the world...

I don't deserve anyone and i should know better...i'm just a nightmare...

Nothing Can Be Done...

I went to mid valley again today...I talked with one my friends yesterday and I said that I might not be able to control myself if I were to go there again...2 weeks ago I went there and almost everywhere I turned I saw a glimpse of her face...maybe it's because at that time I was still not sure why she was so mad at me and I was consumed by guilt...it was hard because my mum wanted me to go the MPH to buy some books and that was the 1st place where I met and went out with her...I was down the whole trip but it's a good thing my parents didn't realize anything...I said to myself, "I really 'did it' this time"...

But today it was easier to handle my feelings...maybe because I already know the reason she's mad at me...and I realize there's nothing more that could be done...I did everything I could...but this time the song Cold As Stone by Lady Antebellum was playing in my head as we passed by The Gardens and MPH...as much as I want us to go back to the way it was and be friends again, the decision is hers whether or not she wants to talk to me ever again...I just found out what she's wrote in a book she bought for me...and when I read it, the more guilt i felt...and I just have to say goodbye to those memories...probably I feel like this cause she reminded me a bit of a girl I used to like...but honestly now, I just like her company...she was loud, irritating, annoying but the best part is she was just so full of life all the time...she was a good friend...one that I'll never forget...as i was walking through Mid, and remembered what has happened so far, the worse it gets...but I just keep on telling myself, "there's nothing more that can be done"

You hate me that much, there's no other way than to just walk away...

Bad To Worse

It seems like they're ganging up to get me...the situation has gone bad to worse...it's a good thing I don't have Malaysian Studies this week...I don't have to look at their faces and be guilty for it...one of the guys asked me if i was ok or not this morning...I don't want to have a fight with him too...but I still feel guilty about this girl...just because of one gossip, she doesn't want to speak to me...it kinda hurt but i care more about if she's hurt or not...now, it is really hard to get an answer because she doesn't want to have anything to do with me...I told them a million times I didn't like her...now,who's the one that got hurt? damn it...such immature minds..It's too late to do anything....

I try to find the words when you walk by
But words just can't explain the way I feel, inside
My friends keep saying you're untouchable
And I can't help feeling invisible

I'd give anything to catch your eye
So you could see me in a different light
Tell me what's it gonna take, cuz I
Wish you would notice me
If you'd only give me just one chance
I could be the one, here I am
What's it gonna take to understand
I wish you would notice me

You've got a light that never seems to fade
I'm drawn to you and I can't look away
We come from different places, I know
But two worlds colliding could be beautiful

I wonder if you know how amazing you are
You leave me breathless
You didn't even try but you stole my heart
And I don't want it back

*This is just a sign of friendship and i really missed that 'Friend'...

Repeating history...

I can't believe what i'm hearing...

For the past few weeks, a few people were looking at me differently than they usually do...i thought i was being paranoid so i let it pass...

Then one girl, was being very rude...i asked if she was alright and she answered in a very rude way...then once she labelled me as,"that boy"...she didn't even called my name...so,that usually means that she doesn't like me that much...then the third time, i asked one of my friends a question and she answered in a very rude way...so, i'm not the type to fight back so i just walked away and went to my room quietly...

I thought she was having a drama or something because last year,she was very kind to me...now,it's like she's disgusted by me...when i looked back, majority from her gang was looking at me differently....so,it has to be something...since her other friend just suddenly stop talking to me...

One my friends gathered some information,and finally everything falls into place...looks like almost all of them are annoyed with me...they said that everytime i get close to a girl, i would tend to text her more frequently and discuss about 'unnecessary' things...i only frequently texted with are only two girls from 6/7 members of their group...why would the others be annoyed? it doesn't make sense....it's either they're immature,or they just don't want the one that has the 'big influence' get offended...but i never texted if it's unnecessary...the only one i tell my stories is only to one girl...the other one i just like to mess with her...but my stories aren't ridiculous...isn't that a stupid reason to avoid me? and the one that has the big influence probably avoid me because of the gossip we had...but it's only a gossip...i never said anything that i like her...and before this she was fine with it...why now?

I thought i left this kind of history in high school....looks like it followed me here...but in high school i was more naive than i was now...i just have to walked away...but it is worth it? they were my friends that i used to have fun with...now? can i trust them? was it a mistake to trust them? I only want to know what the one with the big influence talked about me...if she's ok with me,then I'm OK....but i guess, girls with her kind of type, i won't get the answer easily...few years back, this kind of thing happened before...and that lasted almost a year...

It's true that i tend to text people that i feel i can get close to more often i usually would...but that's just because i want somebody to talk to...

Shoulder

A few days ago, i watched a Japanese drama titled Samurai Sentai

There two girls, a yellow and a pink...there are three other guys, a red,blue and green...the guys asked the yellow named Kotoha why she admired the pink, Mako?

Kotoha replied by saying that Mako was strong and kind but at the same time, she had a flashback, once she was playing her flute in the middle of the night because she missed her sister since she had to be far away from her sister so that she can be samurai...she almost cried because she missed her sister so much...when she wanted to go back to her room, she saw Mako was standing near the door...Kotoha just stared at her and Mako looked at her and said, "don't worry, your secret is safe with me". Kotoha then cried on Mako's shoulder...

Back in reality, a monster was attacking and Mako got hurt in the battle without letting any of the other samurai knows...the monster wanted the children to cry in a way so the girls took the children to safe place while the guys think of something...while Kotoha was playing the children, Mako step aside to tender her wounds...Kotoha saw her injury and asked what happened...Mako kept saying that it is nothing and kept on smiling...she said that she always wanted to be a bride, a wife...and sometimes she thinks like in this kind of situation,if they can't stop the monster, she wondered if she could ever have a dream come true...from a frown, she suddenly smiled at Kotoha and said that she wouldn't want to listen to such a story...Kotoha grabs Mako in her arms and said that she always relied on her eventhough Mako has her own problems and she was sorry...she also said that she wouldn't have to be so strong all the time...Mako was shocked and cried on Kotoha's shoulder for a change...

I almost cried watching this episode and wondering where have all those people that gave me their word...that said that they will 'be there for me'....one day, i just hope i can meet people who is true to their hearts...a true friendship...

A Heart...

What is it actually? Im not so sure about it myself...since this few months i've been called with such names...weak...useless...loser...what else? all of it describes me...

It's not far from the truth...i cant do anything right...everything i touched turns into a disaster...my results....friendships...relationships....all goes down into the drain...

So-called friends..."u can talk to me...i'll listen" im sick of hearing these words...does anyone ever able to keep their word? their promise? im sick of living like this...

Always scared everyday...always crying every night...seems like i cant trust anyone right now...i cant trust any word they say to me anymore...

Once i've helped them,they just ran away with their friends...leaving me behind...i trusted each and everyone of them...

Now i dont even want to feel happy...why? because when you're happy,you'll hope...once the hope turns out to be a false one,you'll get dissapointed...

If you want me to be strong then you'll lose what u have...if becoming strong is in the dark,then i'll go to the deepest depth...

I may be useless to you...i may be nothing...i may be a coward...but i have a heart...and bit by bit,you are destroying it...

Siberia

"When you come back I won't be here"
She said and gently pulled me near
"If you want to talk you can call
And no it's not your fault"

I just smiled and said let go of me
But there's something that I've just gotta know
"Did someone else steal my part?"
She said it's not my fault

Then my heart did time in Siberia
Was waiting for the lie to come true
'Cause it's all so dark and mysterious
When the one you want doesn't want you too

I was drifted in between
Like I was on the outside looking in,
In my dreams you are still here
Like you've always been

I gave myself away completely
But you just couldn't see me
Though I was sleeping in your bed
'Cause someone else was on your mind
In your head

When I came back she wasn't there
Just a note left on the stairs
"If you want to talk give me a call...."

Alone?

Guess im back where i started a few months ago...almost everyone around me is really testing my patience...i trust people too fast...now look where it lead me? alone again...one by one they all just left...when they met me,they all said the same thing,"u can share your problems with me" or something similar to that...

but they all just left me like a fool...even the new people i met did the same thing...once they've found new friends...well,u know what im going to say...im too naive...what frustrates me is that cant they just keep their word? suddenly a new person came up to me and said the same thing...can i trust her? what i know,my heart is dying and dying and my trust towards people is becoming less and less...or maybe i just dont know how to handle my problems...everytime i have one,i just run away from it...now people said that im too sensitive...that really hurts...cause it came from a trustworthy friend...

probably i let them in too fast...

I Should Go..

Here we are

Isn't it familiar

Haven't had someone to talk to

In such a long time

And it's strange

All we have in common

And your company was just the thing I needed tonight

Somehow I feel I should apologize

Cuz I'm just a little shaken

By what's going on inside

I should go

Before my will gets any weaker

And my eyes begin to linger

Longer than they should

I should go

Before I lose my sense of reason

And this hour holds more meaning

Than it ever could

I should go

I don't mean to leave you with a trivial excuse

And when you call tomorrow, I'll know what to do

Happy or Unhappy...

I really wish that i could turn back the time sometimes...i've forgotten about my ex...but now i cant be near her either...im afraid to meet her...im afraid i'll hurt my friends...when i think about it,im happier now...but what's the cost? sometimes i think like everytime im present in some situation,the situation will only end up to be worse than it's supposed to...

maybe i cant really be happy...maybe it's not just my way...i wish i could turn back the time where i didnt know all the girls yet...my feelings are just getting in the way now...at that time,i dont have a single feeling...just cold...now i think im too close for comfort with some of them...or maybe im just still dissapointed with my results? maybe i shouldnt get too close...

My Heart Will Go On..

My Heart Will Go On...one song that has captured many hearts around the world...even mine when i was just 3/4 years old...even when i was little,this song ease my mind a bit...and it helped me to sleep...the song was created for the movie Titanic that came out in 1993...

i havent really saw the movie...i only saw bit by bit...and a week ago...there was a trailer that this movie is making a comeback...and there was one part,where the song goes,"you're here,there's nothing i fear" and that part was playing a clip where leonardo dicaprio said to kate winslet,"don't you ever let go" then kate said,"i would never let go"...it really captured my heart at that moment...

i really wish that someday,someone would say the same thing to me...there were people who said it before,but they have gone away...the song is really sad in a way...but it is one of my favourites...