what if...

Maybe this was meant to be,
Maybe now it should be me,
Been dreaming of this forever,
But I'm feeling so confused,
Yeah, It's hard to see who's right,
Is it you or I,
And I don't know what to do,

Things will never be the same,
maybe thats the price of fame,
Been waiting for this forever,
It's close enough for me to touch,
But if I don't go for it,
I might always regret,
But is it worth us breaking up,

We'll stay together always thats the promise we made,
But suddenly it's not so clear,
And I'm being pulled both ways,
And it's ripping my heart,
tearing me apart,
It's impossible to choose,
What if I don't try,
What if I do,
Everything that I've dreamed right in front of me,
If I win what would I loose?
How learn to live wondering what if?

What if I would have tried,
I could shine even fly
I don't want to realize
after its too late
and see it all pass
Me by,
If I could,
if I don't, w
ill I ever really know,
what the future could hold,
before it slips away
Could be the chance of a lifetime...

2 choices...

damn it...im so confuse...i've got to choose between 2 choices...1 : move to another skool and restart a new life or 2: stay and wait...ehm...wutever my choice will be,i'll still write about my my frens who have been with me through this several months....



ShamshiaSharlina...
U r one of my closest frens that i hold really tight in my heart...besides akmal,u too has given me strength to get 8A's...for that,i thank u...i didnt just gave me strength,u also gave me a goal and hope...a goal to beat u! and hope that im strong just the way i am...i've always wanted to beat u...at least on our monthly exam,i've beaten u at both of the math subjects...hehehe! but since this year,things hasnt been really gud 4 me...i often got jealous when u were with somebody else(that occasionally happen when im really fond with someone either boy or girl)...sometimes i cant even control myself and i'll get angry 4 no reason...and possibly hurt u...maybe im just hot tempered...im still trying to control myself...but i cant seem to manage...sometimes,it seems like im avoiding u..yeah,it's true..sometimes i did try to avoid u...but it just bcoz i dun want to get jelez or angry...now,i realize that i thougt was trying to be strong,but really,im just running away from my feelings..seeing u with ur family 2gether...jus full of happy and love...it reminded of how i feel about my family and how i feel about u when i 1st met u...i dun want wut had happen between me and wafa happen between me and u...i care to much about u until that i cant let history repeat itself...u said that u dun deserve that i hold u so high up in my heart...trust me,after wut u've said 2day...u do deserve it...believe it! u didnt disssapoint me,i dissapoint u...i keep doubting u bcoz i dun want history to repeat itself...1 more thing,u taught me alot of things...especially wut u've taught me 2day : loving someone who has already loved u...i really appreciate ur message bout supporting me all the way...it means alot...and about u come clean with me...that was just all that i wanted...u r a sister anybody could've hope for...thank u my little baby sister! haha! =D


Melissa...
My fun,loving,hyperactive,knucklehead little/big sister...
u understood me well...u understood urself pretty well too...thx for our little walk on the 25th...it was just a walk but still,for me,it was special...coz,u taught me alot of things...wut im really thankful is u brought me to ur flat...yeah,probably through everybody's else eyes,it's normal...but for me,when seeing ur flat,it somehow made me feel happy...it open my eyes...i mean,seeing that even without not so much money,u could live happily...i saw kids running..i saw old women gossiping...it has been a long time since i felt that way...it has been almost 4 years since i felt that kind of excitement...it made me felt wut the people who live there felt...just living life..without any worries...hakuna matata! haha! thx 4 the book and shirt...it means alot that u thought bout me when buying that book...it really does...eventhough i was always quiet,but u never stop talking to me...u kept on bringing on topics...that is what makes me so honored to be ur fren...that's why i care so much about u... =D


Faisal!
My only one uztaz/jambu/brother!We've always been helping each other huh? U helped me,i helped u...besides those two(melissa,sham),u r one of the ones i appreciate the most..u gave me tips...sometimes even hope...i dont know how to say it...but for me,u r special...i mean...in my eyes...u seem bright than any other guy frens i've met...like akmal of course...TQ! =D



Syaheela!
ko bynk bagi aku bantuan...itu yg aku berharap drpd sorg kwn...walaupon aku ni menjengkelkan,ko tetap dtng balik dan 'hulurkan' tangan ko kembali...itu la semangat yg aku suka dlm sorg kwn...semangat x putus asa...walaupon ko x pernah cte latar belakang ko,aku pastu suatu hari nanti,ble kte dah jadi lagi rpt,ko akan mula buka dan cte latar belakang ko...thx 4 the shirt though! hehe! perfect size!

i love u guys till the end of the earth...i wont forget ur deeds...someday,i'll be sure to repay u guys back...somehow...
now to make my decision...either leave my new frens,meet my old frens,my home,moved on,and rechain the memories that i've unchain for 4 years OR stay with my new frens that i've learned to loved,gain new memories,learn to be more patient and walk with them through destiny path? either leave and become a whole different person OR stay,be patient,and stay the way i am? damn it...time is running out...the choice that i'll make...i better not regret it once i did make the decision...

Mohd. Akmal Yahaya..

Mohd. Akmal Yahaya...

I knew this day would come....the day we go our separate ways...to meet our destiny...i won't forget u...i won't forget the memories we've shared 2gether...once,efi told me that u & Naim making fun of me is just another way of them to make fun of me...but,ok i admit,maybe sometimes u guys make fun of me...but sometimes,u r just teaching me on how to become more stronger...without u,i couldn't have never come this far...i couldn't have got 8A's...last year,when everybody was too busy with their PMR,u're one of the people who gave me strength to succeed...let me reminiscent...we become frens when we were in f2...u ask me to help u with the history folio...i think u ask me to do 2 folios...as i recall...i didn't want to do it at 1st but at that time,something tells me that i should help u...so,i did...and since that,we became frens...we moved on to f3...i still can't forget that 1 day,u ask me to accompany u to the toilet..u had a stomach ache...but the weird thing is,i had stomach ache too...so,we both went to the toilet...then,u applied 4 pengawas...we didnt saw each other much since then until u were given a 2 months off because of the PMR....sometimes u listen to my problems...even though u only listen and gave advice sometime but still ur advices r still stuck to my head...then,it was the PMR...as i said before,u r one of the reasons i was SOOO determine to get 8A's...u were a fren to me...u were like a brother to me...u may not saw it,but inside i was determine to beat u...u were one of my idols...u were always one step ahead...in my head,u r like sasuke to naruto as in u to me...naruto's goal was always to beat sasuke...and my goal was always to beat u...not as an enemy but as a brother...i know,i can't stop u from reaching ur dream...it's ur life...i dun have the rights to stop u...u may have teased me all this time but still,it's better than stabbing me in the back...it's better than not being notice at all...everytime i was around u,u never fail to crack me up...u teased me bcoz u notice me...eventhough i was SO quiet...not like most other people...who didnt even care i was around or not...who didnt even say helo to me eventhough i was next to them...u called me gay bcoz i was too soft..i admit,i am soft...but im NOT gay...u called me gay bcoz i was different...u saw that...that's why i respect u bro,from the bottom of my heart...u have thought me that life isnt a playground...u were rite...now that u r leaving,i have no guy friend to fight with...we were always competing who were more 'macho'...of course u would win...i just never gave up coz i want to surpass u...but now,i will feel more alone than normal...dun care bout me...im not important...anyway,i just want to ask u just one favor,dun ever change...even if change physically,dun ever change ur heart...always be true to urself...that's all for now...until we meet again,i'll give u ur present...it is so unfortunate that we cant see each other 4 the last time...but i'll keep ur present safe until i see u again...Gud luck on ur road to destiny! Keep in touch! Thx 4 everything! I appreciate it! Thx 4 teaching me Iqraq,even if it was only 4 awhile! Bye bro! =D


P.S. This is not a gay blog! Im straight! Fully! Im just soft!

As the days go...

Syamil's gone...i feel a little bit empty....a little bit alone....now i understand....efi,it's not that im not 'bersyukur' but,yes,i agree...i have many frens....but no one actually knows wut's inside my heart....no one actually understands me....once,i tried letting this one particular person(OPP) in my heart...in other words,i told that OPP wut i've felt all this years,my actual problems...where my problems originally came from..and even my deepest darkest secret : my family's....but one day,i heard from a fren that,that OPP said that she was bored with me keep talking bout my problems...i was totally shocked....i trully trusted that OPP until i even told her my darkest secret and after i took all of my guts to tell her,all she can say was "im bored"?......ehmm....looks like i was mistaken to trust that OPP by opening my heart....i closed it back...i was a fool...wut i c now,i cant trust no one ever again with my heart...i will never find the key to the lock of my heart...im afraid to trust anyone ever again...that's why,from that particular day,ive put on a mask....never again reveal my problems except 4 1 person : faisal....but he too i am afraid sometimes to open my heart...but with him,i can feel that i can take step by step....wut i think that OPP was too spoiled by that OPP's family...so,that OPP doesnt learn to understand others..but that OPP wasnt the only one...from my eyes,everyone seems like that..why do we have to wear masks? why does our ego are so high? why cant we just show/share our feelings? probably im the only one who thinks this way...i hate wearing a mask...but if it keeps that OPP happy,then,i have no choice.....if it makes others happy,i have no choice...as the days goes by,i just wish i could at least tell it to someone...but i cant....i doubt anyone cares...i can be happy...by wearing a mask? ehm...i may fool the world,but i cant fool my heart...day by day,it's just get worse and worse...i dun know when i'll blow up.....probably soon....akmal's going to another school....damn...

somewhere i belong...

there's a song that i've heard by linkin park...
the lyrics pretty much explain my situation..
here it is...

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe
I didn’t fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way
I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I?
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself
until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else,
until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me

I wanna heal,
I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I’ve held so long
Erase all the pain till it’s gone
I wanna heal,
I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something
I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong...

losing it...

damn...im losing myself...im losing my grip....ive been thinking...when i was in primary skool,i was a little diff person then i am now...i was happy back then..but...wut change me? is it coz ive been so lonely all these years until ive lost myself? im losing my old self piece by piece...and somehow,i cant seem to put them back together....ive tried to create new pieces and replace the old ones to 'build' myself again....but...i cant create new ones....damn it....so,who am i exactly? wut am i capable of doing? yesterday,19 feb 2009....owh...i was suppose to do a presentation...and it went down the drain...it was the most horrible experience ive ever felt! it was a total emberassment! no one in my class actually pay attention to me(or my group)...even my best fren wasnt looking....i admit,im really boring....then,my frens were next after my group...they did magnificently...they had alot of confidence...they made alot of laughter...everyone was paying attention to them,even the next class was interested to watch...AND,even my best fren was laughing out loud! damn i wish i could be like them...so confident...so 'spontan'....i was happy for them...great...they got full marks....me? i got average....because of my own weakness....i tried to be confident when i was on stage...but then,when i notice that my best fren wasnt looking,i lost it...dun know wut came over me....so..i fail to be confident...im not blaming my best fren...im blaming myself...then,it was 'agama' class...my other best fren was supposedly to sit beside me...but,after a few mins,he went to sit with my other fren....huh....am i that boring until my own best fren left me to sit with other people? am i that boring until my own best fren didnt look at me when i was trembling in fear? who am i? im not sure bout that...but wut im sure is i was really bump when i was up on stage doing my best(trembling),my best fren didnt even pay attention to me...my best fren was busy talking to my other fren....day by day...i kept asking....why am i here,if i cant do anything? do i even deserve to have such great frens like,akmal,sham,khai or the others? i dun even know myself...this evening i heard from my other best fren: 'uztaz' that someone said that i tried to fit in with the 'some' gang but it just dun work...seems like anything i did was for nothing....even my gang seems like they dun except me...fuh! wut a tough life...each day,i just wish that i could end all this misery....probably...ehm...nvm.....but i didnt give up....there's so many walls that i cant seem to break through...am i really SO diff from my frens? 4 years being in the darkness really causes something....im losing myself....

The human mind

Argh!!! Im so fed up! I dun know wut to do! I have too much problems inside my head! I just cant shake it off! But that's not the thing that's been buggin me...i shared everything with my best fren(who i cant name)...even my problems...but everytime i tell my problems to him,it's like im talking to myself....yeah,i know that he's not the type who give advices to people...but still....argh! i dun know...i love him like a brother but,i just want him to help me...it seems like he cant or wont...i cant say anything bad about him..i respect him too much to do so.....perhaps,it's better if i stay away from him for a while....coz,each time i spill out my probs to him,and he doesnt give me some advice,i tend to think that he doesnt care...and then(as usual) ill ask him some question that im sure ive heard it many times before...then,ill get confuse whether he really cares about me or not...ill start asking questions again..he'll get bored...he'll get fed up then only god knows wut will happen next...wut i think,each time i ask him a question,he'll get hurt or maybe 'terasa'...who the heck do i think i am to ask him questions like that? argh! im nothing! i cant force him to give me answers that even i cant solve myself...im stupid to think that....probably,no one really does understands me...each time i get close to someone,something bad always happen...perhaps,i cant be to close with anyone...this is my fate...