losing it...

damn...im losing myself...im losing my grip....ive been thinking...when i was in primary skool,i was a little diff person then i am now...i was happy back then..but...wut change me? is it coz ive been so lonely all these years until ive lost myself? im losing my old self piece by piece...and somehow,i cant seem to put them back together....ive tried to create new pieces and replace the old ones to 'build' myself again....but...i cant create new ones....damn it....so,who am i exactly? wut am i capable of doing? yesterday,19 feb 2009....owh...i was suppose to do a presentation...and it went down the drain...it was the most horrible experience ive ever felt! it was a total emberassment! no one in my class actually pay attention to me(or my group)...even my best fren wasnt looking....i admit,im really boring....then,my frens were next after my group...they did magnificently...they had alot of confidence...they made alot of laughter...everyone was paying attention to them,even the next class was interested to watch...AND,even my best fren was laughing out loud! damn i wish i could be like them...so confident...so 'spontan'....i was happy for them...great...they got full marks....me? i got average....because of my own weakness....i tried to be confident when i was on stage...but then,when i notice that my best fren wasnt looking,i lost it...dun know wut came over me....so..i fail to be confident...im not blaming my best fren...im blaming myself...then,it was 'agama' class...my other best fren was supposedly to sit beside me...but,after a few mins,he went to sit with my other fren....huh....am i that boring until my own best fren left me to sit with other people? am i that boring until my own best fren didnt look at me when i was trembling in fear? who am i? im not sure bout that...but wut im sure is i was really bump when i was up on stage doing my best(trembling),my best fren didnt even pay attention to me...my best fren was busy talking to my other fren....day by day...i kept asking....why am i here,if i cant do anything? do i even deserve to have such great frens like,akmal,sham,khai or the others? i dun even know myself...this evening i heard from my other best fren: 'uztaz' that someone said that i tried to fit in with the 'some' gang but it just dun work...seems like anything i did was for nothing....even my gang seems like they dun except me...fuh! wut a tough life...each day,i just wish that i could end all this misery....probably...ehm...nvm.....but i didnt give up....there's so many walls that i cant seem to break through...am i really SO diff from my frens? 4 years being in the darkness really causes something....im losing myself....