Im the fool...

Before anyone reads this,just want to warn u that everything that i wrote in my blog has nothing to do with someone i really love..except the poems of course...but everything else,it's just about how i feel about my frens...im not that stupid to write about the one i love on blog...this will be most probably my last entry coz im tired...i need to quarantine my heart...i need to get away...i need to run away...far2 away...here it is.... my last entry....

im talking about u...u know who u r...if u dun know who u r,here's a tip...i once call u lina...

im sori if i've hurt u...

i didnt mean to...

im sori that i dissapoint u...

im sori that i bring to much sorrow...

im sori that i bring to much pressure...

i expect too much from u...

i've shouldnt have...

u r already perfect with who u r...

i just want to please u..

i just want ur full attention...

i tried with the wrong way...

history has already repeat itself...

and it's all my fault..

i couldnt bare the pain of being alone...

i thought i could change my destiny...

but now..

i realize...

i need to quarantine my heart..

if i dun,i'll just bring chaos to anyone who gets 2 near...

i know,i have many frens...

im really grateful...

but i still dun know wut to do to make my heart happy...

i know wut's missing...

but i just dun know how 2 obtain it...

we used to be so close..

but then i ask 4 something that u didnt have...

i was selfish...

im a fool...

for that mistake...

we aint that close anymore,r we?

"I've hurt u,u've hurt me"

im really sori...

i wasnt myself...

i didnt mean too...

i really wish we could be like last year...

but it's too late...

now,all that's left is a mere memory...

u arent the same as wafa...

at least u kept ur promise...

but maybe i do have to suffer alone...

at least i wont make u suffer...

at least i wont make my frens suffer...

i hold u so high up in my heart coz i though u could give me the answers that i needed...

but that's just selfish and stupid..

im just torturing u...

im just giving u too much pressure...

i didnt thought about ur condition...

i always only thought about myself...

u may think i dun need u...

but it really it's the opposite way...

but now,if i get 2 close...

i might hurt u again...

i wont let that happen...

it's hard enough knowing that the f2 girl likes somebody else...

it's stupid to hope something that wasnt even there from the beginning...

i may have my problems to deal with...

but the responsibilites as a fren doesnt come down...

u,mel,faisal,pirol,atiqah...and all of my frens...

u can always count on me..

i may not be funny like pirol!...

or 'bising' like nat...

but i'll try everything i can to help u guys...

im really sori 4 everything...

i know that im not the perfect fren...

4 that,im sori..

i cant socialize very well...

i hurts me to know that...

but ill try my best to be a fren...

now im not asking 4 ur attention...

now,im asking 4 ur forgiveness...

"it's easy to do nothing,but it's hard to forgive"

i cant forgive myself..

eventhough i may have forgiven u...

this post,has got nothing to do with 'love'

it's just that i felt our bond of frenship were once so strong...

now,it's not...

for that,i blame myself....

again,im sori 4 everything..

*just so u know,u'll always have a special place in my heart =D

Who is that boy...?

Look at me,
I will never pass for a perfect friend,
or a perfect son
Can it be,
I'm not meant to play this part
Now I see,
That if I were truly to be myself,
I would break my friend's & family's heart

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

I am now In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?

Who is that boy I see
Staring straight,
back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don't know
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
Somehow I cannot hide,
who I am though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside...

Attention...wut a true fren is...

U know im talking bout u...so,plz...i dun feel rite...i may have understand bout myself...but i cant understand u...u're my fren...i care bout u...we were once so close...i know that we cant be like before...u're afraid that if we try to be like before,our frenship will be damage even futher...u know that im hiding something from u...and i know that u're hiding something coz im hiding something...so,for one last time...i need to come clean with u...so that i'll have no more doubts bout u...i need to get something off my chest...it's a weight i've burden for too long...it's a stupid burden...but for sure,i need to know something...we'll have our exam in a week...so i'll wait 4 u until the last day of skool before our 2 weeks vacation...and when im being honest,i need u to do the same...dun be like that someone i'd history with last year and say,"i've got nothing to say"...she was always like that...and i hope u wont be like her...i lost so many...u know i do...u've heard my stories and my history...i dun want to lose anyone i love and care about anymore...i know that u're just being nice to me...u dun want to hurt me more than i can bare...but u still remember wut my ex did to me,dun u? dun lie to protect me...just say it,no matter how painful it is...it's the key to a real frenship...truth,integrity,honesty...as 4 atiqah...the one that heard bad things bout u then suddenly didnt talk to u...that one and probably with his/her gang isnt a true fren...a true fren...a real fren will stick with u no matter wut...they will support u no matter wut...they will find anything u need even if they need to search until the end's of the earth...a true fren dun let his/her fren carry their burden alone...they will share anything with u..sadness,happiness...and they dun just leave u to talk to somebody else...they will always carry u...will always be the light to pull u from the darkest darkness...there's nothing wrong with letting the people love u help u...why must we become such hypocrites? why must we act so tough? i dun like being a hypocrite..it hurts me inside to know that i have to put on a mask just too please everyone...even the one i consider close...so,does that mean...there's no such thing as a 'true fren'? i dun know...im beginning to lose my hope i wont give up yet...some frens like syaheela...i truly appreciate(even if u did once call me annoying but u did say sori)...and there r others...yes...i know this is a cruel world...but it's only a cruel world if u dun have a fren with the above characteristics(well,maybe not all but some is gud enough)...as 4 me...i dun have to be a hypocrite around true frens...but since these few months...i had to hide my heart...coz no one understood me...now,i finally understood myself but things still havent change in skool...well..some have change...some minor ones but the majors..nope...so,atiqah...my advice to u...stick to frens whom will always lend a hand when u need one...like me! haha! i wont leave anyone but why does everyone(not everyone,but some) kept on leaving me? x bersyukur? i dun know...it's just i want to feel like im needed...like im a part of someone...in other words i just want atleast somebody's attention...i've always gave my frens everything they needed...but i've never got anything back in return...not that im asking for it but it's just...u get the picture...im sorry if my words has hurt anyone's feeling...

I know wut i must do...

2day...a bitter sweet day...let's talk about the sweet part 1st...i woke up,as usual wondering why my heart is so empty...went to skool...went to see Pn Jerina(i got to skip English class! yay!)...finally,i was able to question myself and her the real questions...the one i couldnt find myself...then i thought that she'll just give me the same answers as syaheela does...i've got to find myself...well,at 1st,she sounded like that...but,i asked some other question that's related to the topic of course..then,suprisingly! i've got the answer! why my heart has been so hollow...i once wrote in one of my recent blogs that i felt some kind of feeling when my little/big sister brought me to her flat...i know now why i felt that...someday,i'll go to 'that' place again...i felt relieve when pn jerina had given me the answers that finally i wanted to hear...now,for the bitter part...the part efi has to part her way from me and the others..it was a sad moment but we didnt waste it...we made a hell lot of fun from it...it's a moment that i'll remember for a long time...till we meet again efi! i've found the answers that i needed...now,i know wut i must do...but,i cant possibly do it in my condition...im still to young...but i promise,when im old enough,i'll fullfill it...that's a promise 4 the future...as 4 the present...there's still some minor problems that i need to deal with my fren..."im lookin back on things i've done...i was trying to be someone...i never want to play the same old part or keep u in the dark...now let me show u the shape of my heart"


*meaning,shape of my heart : the real me
=D

Gud luck!

Epi! sedihnya aku! x sangka ko akan gi meninggalkan kte! aku pkir kte akan graduate sama2...nampaknya,sini la kte gi our seperate ways huh? huhu...apa yg aku boleh kata,walaupon ko mcm fed up ngan aku(sape x?)...tapi ko x pernah give up menolong aku...salah aku gak sebab x pernah dengar nasihat ko...aku dengar,tapi ko fhm2 la...aku dah cte tadi kan...hati aku kosong...but,aku dah dpt jwpn nape...ble aku dah mula berubah,ko nak gi...eh..memang nasib aku...dulu pon aku pkir aku nak akmal tengok aku membesar...menjadi makin matang...perhatikan aku dari belakang..tapi..x leh sbb dia kena pindah...ko pon aku nak mcm tu..tapi,ko gak kena pindah...walaupon kte baru berkwn selama 1 tahun,5 bulan...but ko dah pon menjadi sebahagian drpd diri aku...ko pindah,rasa lain nanti...but someday we will meet again...i just have to cling to that hope just like i did to akmal...last year,ko ada kata salah sorg drpd kwn aku selain wafa mungkin mempergunakan aku...skrng,aku mula percaya ko...tapi,itu aku selesaikan kemudian...aku akan rindu ko pi! sebagai kakak of course...faisal pernah kata cara aku bersosial terlalu jiwang,tapi ini la diri aku! ko terima aku tol x efi? syaheela? jadi,sape kat luar sana yg meluat tengok cara aku berckp 'jiwang' sngt,aku x kisah! ini diriku! kalau aku x jiwang,aku kosong...ini yg buatkan diri aku! dan efi,ko pernah kata aku je yg x nak jadi kuat...bukan aku x nak,aku just accept diri aku ni...aku lembut,aku x kisah coz akmal,jega,nurul,pai,dyana dan lain2 terima aku cmni...some ada kata,aku best fren diorg,tapi cuma beberapa je yg betol2 maksudkan...betol x jega? haha! sedut! so,efi...dlm kata lain...ko main peranan yg besar dlm membantu aku untuk mencari ketenangan...aku x leh ckp ko tlng cari diriku yg sebenar coz,mungkin dlm 10 tahun,masa tu lah betol2 diri aku yg sebenar...aku belum cukup matang...sape2 pon x...sape yg mengaku dia dah matang,bagi aku lempang sket! haha! joking2...even org tua pon xde yg matang lagi...ko bnyk bagi aku advice...aku ada guna...kdng2...tapi kdng2 aku sendiri lupa advice ko apa...haha! sori ye efi,syaheela...aku memang dah tua sket! kakaka! setakat ni je la aku leh tulis coz kebanyakkannya aku dah tulis dlm buku ko..."when i arrive at where u r,we may not appear 2 be as we were..but we'll make another promise 2 keep" hehe! KEEP MOVING FORWARD and GO THE DISTANCE!!! Keep in touch ye!

Memories...

i had it...i've given up to letting my frens understand me...i cant even understand myself...that's not the point...some people,i've examine,they hold really close to some of the precious moments in their lives...some people,just dun care and let them go,and move on...me,on the other hand,i've move on...i've learn to accept my grandmother's death,the lost of my frens,the lost of my heaven...i've move on...but the memories...i kept on having flashbacks about my past...something will eventually trigger my brain to have those flashbacks...something like,a some kind of smell...a wind...something that could remind me of tha past...the past : the memories that somehow i've lost...those times...at those times,the feelings...it's different from now...those feelings...i've lost it too...now,my heart is hollow...nothing except for the residual darkness...i keep asking myself everyday...why does my heart feel so empty? what's missing? what should i find? some people said that maybe i just think too much...i should just be happy...but when i join up the group with the other guys,i make laughs..i make jokes...but,my heart still feels empty...now,i know,this is not my mind tricking me like my other problems...wut i know 4 sure...that something that im missing...it has got to do something with my memories...somewhere in my past,it holds the answer...it's weird how memories can be remembered by just something that holds very familiar that connected to those memories...now,i know,this time,i need to find this answer alone..."sometimes our most precious memories lies so deep in our hearts that their out of reach"...a quote that i got from KH:RECOM..probably it's true...my memories are scattered..just like the title of my page...proabably,im just stupid...probaby,the answer is not from my memories...sometimes i think that,my past was pretty exciting bcoz of something that probably i couldnt get now...maybe,i should create a new something...but,where do i start? wut do i have to search?

Vanished...

I'm reaching, I'm reaching for the love I lost tonight
And I don't know why
You're right here, you're right here but you seem so out of sight
It's messing with my mind
You used to freak with me
You once believed in me
But now I'm incomplete
Thought we were meant to be

I'm wondering, something that you said would never die
Has lost it's life
It's frightening, thinking how I opened up to you
Until it's coming to
We were the best of friends
That's why this pain won't end
And this is killing me
Thought we were meant to be

You're mistake of magician with a wand
Now you're missing
Where'd you go? Where'd you go? Where'd you go?
Wish I could bring us back
Just who could picture it
But it's too late for that

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
Where did you go?
You vanished...