Overestimate...

As time goes by, I think the number of the people I can trust is getting less and less...the other day, there was a class...I went to my usual seat and getting ready for the class and the arrival of the people who always sat beside me...most of them didn't came..I think there was only two of them...So I asked them to sit beside me, but one of them said that I was boring because I was too quiet...like that wasn't hurtful enough, they went and sit beside the people who resented me...

I know I'm quiet...I know I'm boring...for years I've struggle to become more talkative...and I thought they were more mature than this...looks like I've overestimated them....all of them...

Even in my school years I've gotten that kind of insult from other people...and it's true, I don't have many friends but many enemies...just because I'm quiet...just because I'm different...like I said before, it's like high school all over again...what can I do right? It's their wish to hang out with anyone they like...and it's not me...so be it...I gave them to many chances already...enough is enough...just when I thought they were my friends...guess now, they 'were' my friends...I value our friendship but if this is how they value ours, then it's not worth it...

Nightmares...

Losing her as friend most probably one of the most regrettable moments in my life yet...i keep having the same nightmares ever since she's beginning to distance herself from me...

It's true,i am paranoid...i think a lot...it's damaging me...things haven't been right for me lately...i keep searching for that something again...once i found it,i'll ruined it...

Probably for them,i'm their nightmare...it's true what one of their friend said...everytime i get close to one girl,i'll begin to talk to her a lot...and i'll ruined the friendship as fast as i create it...it isn't right...i am not right...i'm trying to stand but i feel like i keep falling down...probably i'm not meant to have people around me...i don't know...i tried to get close but instead they're are like so far away from me...there's nothing i can do...

As long as i don't feel complete....i could never get this problem solve...as long as this problem exist it's better if i just shut myself from the world...

I don't deserve anyone and i should know better...i'm just a nightmare...

Nothing Can Be Done...

I went to mid valley again today...I talked with one my friends yesterday and I said that I might not be able to control myself if I were to go there again...2 weeks ago I went there and almost everywhere I turned I saw a glimpse of her face...maybe it's because at that time I was still not sure why she was so mad at me and I was consumed by guilt...it was hard because my mum wanted me to go the MPH to buy some books and that was the 1st place where I met and went out with her...I was down the whole trip but it's a good thing my parents didn't realize anything...I said to myself, "I really 'did it' this time"...

But today it was easier to handle my feelings...maybe because I already know the reason she's mad at me...and I realize there's nothing more that could be done...I did everything I could...but this time the song Cold As Stone by Lady Antebellum was playing in my head as we passed by The Gardens and MPH...as much as I want us to go back to the way it was and be friends again, the decision is hers whether or not she wants to talk to me ever again...I just found out what she's wrote in a book she bought for me...and when I read it, the more guilt i felt...and I just have to say goodbye to those memories...probably I feel like this cause she reminded me a bit of a girl I used to like...but honestly now, I just like her company...she was loud, irritating, annoying but the best part is she was just so full of life all the time...she was a good friend...one that I'll never forget...as i was walking through Mid, and remembered what has happened so far, the worse it gets...but I just keep on telling myself, "there's nothing more that can be done"

You hate me that much, there's no other way than to just walk away...

Bad To Worse

It seems like they're ganging up to get me...the situation has gone bad to worse...it's a good thing I don't have Malaysian Studies this week...I don't have to look at their faces and be guilty for it...one of the guys asked me if i was ok or not this morning...I don't want to have a fight with him too...but I still feel guilty about this girl...just because of one gossip, she doesn't want to speak to me...it kinda hurt but i care more about if she's hurt or not...now, it is really hard to get an answer because she doesn't want to have anything to do with me...I told them a million times I didn't like her...now,who's the one that got hurt? damn it...such immature minds..It's too late to do anything....

I try to find the words when you walk by
But words just can't explain the way I feel, inside
My friends keep saying you're untouchable
And I can't help feeling invisible

I'd give anything to catch your eye
So you could see me in a different light
Tell me what's it gonna take, cuz I
Wish you would notice me
If you'd only give me just one chance
I could be the one, here I am
What's it gonna take to understand
I wish you would notice me

You've got a light that never seems to fade
I'm drawn to you and I can't look away
We come from different places, I know
But two worlds colliding could be beautiful

I wonder if you know how amazing you are
You leave me breathless
You didn't even try but you stole my heart
And I don't want it back

*This is just a sign of friendship and i really missed that 'Friend'...

Repeating history...

I can't believe what i'm hearing...

For the past few weeks, a few people were looking at me differently than they usually do...i thought i was being paranoid so i let it pass...

Then one girl, was being very rude...i asked if she was alright and she answered in a very rude way...then once she labelled me as,"that boy"...she didn't even called my name...so,that usually means that she doesn't like me that much...then the third time, i asked one of my friends a question and she answered in a very rude way...so, i'm not the type to fight back so i just walked away and went to my room quietly...

I thought she was having a drama or something because last year,she was very kind to me...now,it's like she's disgusted by me...when i looked back, majority from her gang was looking at me differently....so,it has to be something...since her other friend just suddenly stop talking to me...

One my friends gathered some information,and finally everything falls into place...looks like almost all of them are annoyed with me...they said that everytime i get close to a girl, i would tend to text her more frequently and discuss about 'unnecessary' things...i only frequently texted with are only two girls from 6/7 members of their group...why would the others be annoyed? it doesn't make sense....it's either they're immature,or they just don't want the one that has the 'big influence' get offended...but i never texted if it's unnecessary...the only one i tell my stories is only to one girl...the other one i just like to mess with her...but my stories aren't ridiculous...isn't that a stupid reason to avoid me? and the one that has the big influence probably avoid me because of the gossip we had...but it's only a gossip...i never said anything that i like her...and before this she was fine with it...why now?

I thought i left this kind of history in high school....looks like it followed me here...but in high school i was more naive than i was now...i just have to walked away...but it is worth it? they were my friends that i used to have fun with...now? can i trust them? was it a mistake to trust them? I only want to know what the one with the big influence talked about me...if she's ok with me,then I'm OK....but i guess, girls with her kind of type, i won't get the answer easily...few years back, this kind of thing happened before...and that lasted almost a year...

It's true that i tend to text people that i feel i can get close to more often i usually would...but that's just because i want somebody to talk to...

Shoulder

A few days ago, i watched a Japanese drama titled Samurai Sentai

There two girls, a yellow and a pink...there are three other guys, a red,blue and green...the guys asked the yellow named Kotoha why she admired the pink, Mako?

Kotoha replied by saying that Mako was strong and kind but at the same time, she had a flashback, once she was playing her flute in the middle of the night because she missed her sister since she had to be far away from her sister so that she can be samurai...she almost cried because she missed her sister so much...when she wanted to go back to her room, she saw Mako was standing near the door...Kotoha just stared at her and Mako looked at her and said, "don't worry, your secret is safe with me". Kotoha then cried on Mako's shoulder...

Back in reality, a monster was attacking and Mako got hurt in the battle without letting any of the other samurai knows...the monster wanted the children to cry in a way so the girls took the children to safe place while the guys think of something...while Kotoha was playing the children, Mako step aside to tender her wounds...Kotoha saw her injury and asked what happened...Mako kept saying that it is nothing and kept on smiling...she said that she always wanted to be a bride, a wife...and sometimes she thinks like in this kind of situation,if they can't stop the monster, she wondered if she could ever have a dream come true...from a frown, she suddenly smiled at Kotoha and said that she wouldn't want to listen to such a story...Kotoha grabs Mako in her arms and said that she always relied on her eventhough Mako has her own problems and she was sorry...she also said that she wouldn't have to be so strong all the time...Mako was shocked and cried on Kotoha's shoulder for a change...

I almost cried watching this episode and wondering where have all those people that gave me their word...that said that they will 'be there for me'....one day, i just hope i can meet people who is true to their hearts...a true friendship...

A Heart...

What is it actually? Im not so sure about it myself...since this few months i've been called with such names...weak...useless...loser...what else? all of it describes me...

It's not far from the truth...i cant do anything right...everything i touched turns into a disaster...my results....friendships...relationships....all goes down into the drain...

So-called friends..."u can talk to me...i'll listen" im sick of hearing these words...does anyone ever able to keep their word? their promise? im sick of living like this...

Always scared everyday...always crying every night...seems like i cant trust anyone right now...i cant trust any word they say to me anymore...

Once i've helped them,they just ran away with their friends...leaving me behind...i trusted each and everyone of them...

Now i dont even want to feel happy...why? because when you're happy,you'll hope...once the hope turns out to be a false one,you'll get dissapointed...

If you want me to be strong then you'll lose what u have...if becoming strong is in the dark,then i'll go to the deepest depth...

I may be useless to you...i may be nothing...i may be a coward...but i have a heart...and bit by bit,you are destroying it...