I miss you...

Ehm...4 years has it been? ehm...doing my oral test last monday kinda brings back the memories...i was really nervous but a few frens gave me support...i really thankful...i thought i wanted to give a message but i was 2 nervous until i forgot bout it...damn..."u'll never know how precious someone is until u lose that someone"...ehm...my frend did her oral today...it was really suprising that she got 18..i mean,she did really gud...if i were to judge,i would have given her at least 25...but i saw her eyes watered when it was over...dun worry la...u did really gud! i was proud of u...atleast u were better than me...today was also my other fren's birthday...she made a party and as usual...i wasnt invited...i would be lying if i say that im fine...but,wut can i do? i was never enough 4 anybody...i never had the looks or the 'coolness' like my frens that were invited..naim wanted me to join but from his face i knew that he knew the bday girl wouldnt approve...my closet frens were invited...and it really hurts to be left out...my fren whom followed me to McD,suggested throw some rocks or we can go to party,say hi and snatch the piza and run...well,he was kinda mad too...wut can we do? i tried to think positive but wut can i make this,wut i see,wut i feel,to be a positive thing? but i keep on living...sometimes,i just ask myself,"wut do i live 4?"...well...like i said in my oral test,i wasnt the same anymore...i miss u so much...since u died,nothing was ever the same...the pic above was taken on my last Raya day...the year of 2004...it happens so fast...so much problems...but so little answers...will this heart ever heals? who can heal it? im so scared...is somebody out there that can lend a hand? i wonder...i used to be so strong...now,i dun know anymore...im angrier than ever...but i dun know why...wait...i do know...im angry at myself...coz im confuse...i dun wut's rite or wrong anymore...damn i just wish i can throw away this pain...

"You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms

I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I know you're in a better place,
But I wish that I could see your face,
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you..."

Damn...im sorry sham...

Damn it...wut have i done? wut the heck was i thinking...i dun want to lose u...i shouldnt have said wut i said...plz! sham! give me one more chance! i cant lose u....u were like arif and kevin...they were the puzzle of my heart...they complete me...as u were...im just sad that now is different...i know u want me to stand by my own two feet...im trying...but it really helps if u just give me a little support...just a little...im not really confident in myself..u held my hand before...i miss those times...i know i cross the line when i 'kong2' u...i didnt realize wut i was doing...i didnt know it hurt u...i lose M...but im still trying to win her heart...but i dun want to lose a fren...u r precious to me...i mean,as a fren la...not more than that...and it cant be less...This monday...we have the oral test rite...if u just say that u're with me,im sure i can do it...plz sham...u mean more to me than u know...that doesnt mean that i like u or anything...u know who i like rite? u know that im just weird...a bit different...it's true...im a true 'bongsu"...im ashamed...i didnt mean that i want u to literally hold my hands...i just need ur support...that's all...like last year...u ask me a few day ago that im mad at...i didnt answer...yes,i was mad at u coz i thought u lied to me...but when i hear from nat that wafa made u go,i felt ashamed...i shouldnt have given u the silent treatment...im deeply sori...if we can forget the whole fights ever happen,i promise to do anything for u...i promise...we had a lot of fights and it has change me...on the outside...u were the only one who brings peace to my turmoil after those 3 years...i dun know why...but last year,it felt like u understand me...and i still believe that...remember,last year when u cried coz ur voice wasnt loud enough and uztazah made acap read for u? when i heard that,i promise to not make u cry again rite? it is really foolish to say this...but,u did really gave me confidence...can we forget the whole thing ever happen? i can try if u want...and u want me to treat u like a normal fren rite? i can if u want...remember those songs that i gave u for ur present? listen to them...it speaks my mind bout u...i cant lose u...i wont lose another fren...u r precious to me...like i said,not more than a fren but not less...so,if u read this post,plz let me know...i dun want to fight no more...i want us to be like before...

9 years of life...

"Many memories was stored there...2day i add a new memory to my heart"



Today! Was really something! Hahaha! It was so exciting! Meeting my old buddies! And celebrated my bday with the ones i care bout...1st,me and my father picked up sham and mel from OU...they dun know how to get to my house so i offered a ride...my father didnt mind...as expected,sham was really shy...haha! dun worry sham! my parents loves u! so does mel...mel seems like she wasnt shy...but...better not say anything...haha! So,when we arrived arif was there waiting 4 us...he was with his sister,Amirah...too bad 4 her my sis wasnt there as well...we went in and set up our 'camp' inside the house...that's when i introduced arif to mel and sham and vice versa...we went to check the house...well,it's been a while...so,i really miss that house...i showed mel and sham the house...actually they showed it themselves...haha! well,that's the reason i want my new frens to come to my 'heaven'...it's where i learned many things...from nov 1997 till 23 dis 2006...9 years...9 years of growing up at that place...it's where everything that i've learned was...so,i wanted to bring my new frens to understood me a little better...arif,hasif and kevin kept asking why i shifted..it's a nice house...yeah...i agree 100%! but that sounds selfish...my mom wanted to shift so i had no choice...going back there...with my 'family'(aka my frens who has been a part of me)...back to the story,after checking my house,we played the radio then hasif came...then,sham was hungry...well,the delivery was quite slow...but nvm...it's a gud thing the piza came before sham punch me to death! She had quite a punch! While we were eating,mel showed me a message that was quite troublesome...so i thought,"wut's wrong with this?...what a drag..."...well,i did wut i can...i did felt offended..but...cant say anything...as we were eating,i noticed a familiar bracelet that she was wearing...i really thought i saw it somewhere before...so,i asked her where she got it...she asked me whether if i remembered...then arif said,"budjet la!"...then she said that's the frenship bracelet i bought for her! aiya...makin tua,makin cepat lupa! rite sham! haha! my future gf will have probs with me...well,dun know wut to say...i was really suprised though...then,kevin came! our leader! and my brother! The pic above i captured was in my room..it holds lots of memories...really miss it...Kevin came with a card..i was wondering wut he wanted to do with the card...

"Warm fuzzy feeling...it was love and frenship..."


i didnt want to ruin the suprise so i didnt ask...well,i didnt expect sham and mel will get along with the guys...but they did and i was really happy! While we were eating,some memories came back to me...just seeing my frens in the house...there's a feeling that i hadnt felt 4 a while...probably it's love? haha! probably...coz at that time i can feel arif's,hasif's,kevin's,mel's and sham's warm love and frenship...that's just wut i need to heal my wounded heart...then,after eating,arif suggest to go the park in front of the house...so,we went and it really reminded me while i was still a kid...playing on the sand...chased by dogs...so many memories...then,sham and mel had to go back...it was sad...but just seeing there with me was enough...there wasnt much happen after that...just aqira came and we catch somethings from the past...finally,one by one gone home...i sent kevin back...childhood fren...how could i not? hehe...anyway...thx 4 celebrating my 16th bday with me guys! I really-really appreciate it! And thx to mel and sham to for coming all the way from bangsar...sori 4 the trouble of getting there...and mel,probably this is me huh? haha!

"The memories of our days together are my most precious..."

The Park...

"I feel like a cloud across the sun...That maybe I´m holding on to a never ending road..."

Well,where to start? Morning : Starts with BI,then PJK...it was fun although i did get a minor headeache...after pjk,i cant really focus my right eye...what a drag...it happens when i get a headeache...it's a gud thing Pn Jasbeer didnt came...then,there was EST...a new teacher came to replace our old EST teacher for while...and the new teacher was really like my uncle! The style,the way he dress...exactly alike! I wonder wut my uncle would say...haha! So,then i had to go pray...since akmal left,i walk alone most of the time to the mosque...so,as usual..it was really boring...and i hate being alone...as i said in my ealier post,when im alone...stupid things comes to my mind and make me think wut i shouldnt...after the prayers,pirol and his gang were going to KFC at the Sentral...i wanted to go...but,it was getting dark bcoz of the rain...and besides,i was not feeling myself...and i had other plans...when i got to my father's place,it was only 2.20...and i thought,"hey,it's still early...this is the perfect time to visit 'the park' "...well,i dun really remember wut's the name of the park...i think it was Taman Perdana i think...a few months ago,i brought someone there...when i was walking towards the park,my phone was playing the song,Can I Have This Dance by Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens...that song was nostalgic...coz that song was the 1st song i put to my new phone last year...and it was the 1st song i gave to someone who i really appreciate...well,when i got to the park while the song was playing,it really reminded me of someone...it's a gud thing a few people was there and there were a lot of cars...i took the pic above from the point i was standing when the 1st time i got there...and i thought,"ehm...this place is really making me feel like missing someone.."...well,almost everyday i see that park but that was the 2nd time i visit there...so,it really makes me feel sad but also happy coz at that time i was really close to someone...i had never been that close with anyone before that...even with wafa...well,everything has change now...and it happen when i least expected...so,back to the story,when i was taking the picture,a few teenagers was there...laughing madly...i didnt want to get involve so i walk away and into my father's office...while i was walking back,my phone was playing another song titled,Her Song by C21...it was a sad song...and it really suit my position...then,i saw the taffic light where i called someone cute while running towards the pedestrian walk...as i was walking and walking...the song playing in my head...i finally reach the place where i hang out,sleep and do my homework : McD! That place also reminded me of that someone but i dun want to talk about it...well,the journey was nostalgic...and im a 'soft person' like pirol and efi once said...the park was nostalgic...i dun want to go there again...it's not a bad thing...just tired...basicly,the park is quite far from my father's office...so,i just go there when i need to clear my mind...it has nice view althought the lake kinda smells but it's not that bad...

Believing..

Well,efi here it is...one of the few reasons i like bout naruto..the 1st vid u've gotta watch throughout until the end...the 2nd,just watch at the beginning...and the 3rd,just watch at 4.08 mins...it's really touching...i cired when i watch it...it's all bout belieng to urself and believing in others...that's wut i need...someone to belive in me...

12 June 2009

"Though we may not share ties of blood,they are precious to me...they are my family"

Hehehe...ehm...where to start? Well,at 1st i was scared coz there's none of my guy friends r coming...well,akmal couldn't make it coz he has an appointment...syamil was bz..dun know why...well,mirza...haha...cant say anything bout him...so i was kinda scared at 1st(eventhough i thought mirza was coming)...but then,when pai call me to meet them at 3,i was really nervous...when i arrived and saw pai,nurul,shahirah hamzah,diyanah(zombie) and epi,i just dun know wut to say...i was looking for mirza,but pai told me that he couldnt come...fuh! i was really nervous! i never gone out with so many girls before...(beautiful too! haha! ;p) well,i was 'tergamam' at 1st,then when we were in the cinema,my 'nervousness' came to a halt...i became calm coz i just remember why i like this guys...somehow,they always made me feel like im not alone...dun know why..or is it just coz im the only guy there? but still,they did always help me...and im grateful...u're rite efi,nurul...wut u said was true...im being stubborn..rite?it's hard to find real frens nowadays...but,i have a few...rite guys? hehehe...as for anyone who thinks im a playboy or anything,im not...it's just with guys,it's hard to comunicate coz im not really a socialize person...well,my family's like that...but who could blame them? they've seen the worse of wut mankind can see...i dun want to say comment anything coz somebody will surely comment me back and say "hey,this is the realy world,not some fantasy"...im not saying i dun have any guy frens..i have...a few...akmal,both naim,pirol...there's some more but my head is really hurting coz of my 'disease'...well,this kind of people they actually listen and pay attention to wut im doing or saying...like i said,im not the type of guy who could socialize very well,so,just getting just a small amount of attention makes me happy...even in my old skool,people always talk to me coz they know i cant talk very well...well,i tq kevin,arif, and andrew! im really grateful if someone could really understands me...but that takes time rite? for now,im just grateful to the people i have now...back to the topic,after we watched "Jangan pandang belakang congkang"(a really funny show may i add) we went to eat at kfc...well,efi wanted to eat at a restaurant that have rice(just like my mom),but my zombie sis wanted to 'tapau' kfc...so,nurul said why not we just ate there? so,we all agreed and ate there...as pai,shairah and zombie was ordering,epi and nurul gave me a little advice...wut they said was true..dun know i was still believing was not there anymore...as we were eating,i couldnt believe one my sis frens greeted me...some of my sis frens forgot bout me as soon as they leave skool...but,she remembered me...well,i was blushing of course...but i just wave back...didnt want to be rude...finally,after we finished eating,we took some pics...haha! i had pics with epi the most...well,i couldnt see her much often,so why not? it's been a long time isnt it? At 6,we finally seperated....diyanah went back with shairah...epi and nurul went to buy 'something' while pai followed them...i wish them gudbye and left...well,i didnt want to leave...but i had to think bout my parents...they dun have much energy like i do...so,as i pity for my father exhaustion,i quickly buy my new pants and go home...i didnt want to coz them to be more exhausted...on the way home,there was a traffic jam..oh,how i pity my father...well,in a few months,he wouldnt be doing this anymore...and in 2 years,im the one who will be his personal driver! haha! So,that was it...one of the best day of my life(so far)...eventhough it seems like a normal outing,but for me it was special...thx guys! oh,and sori syaheela coz u couldnt come...it would be more fun if u were around...too bad nurul is changing class...she really help me alot since efi's gone...diyanah too...but at least,diyanah is still there...12 June 2009...hope history wont repeat the third time...new hope?

Alone Forever..

"I can´t believe
I´m holding on to everything you said
When you don’t say it anymore
So many people told me

But I couldn´t breath
Just look at me now
I can´t believe
I never knew that at all

I close my eyes
To drift away,
leave it all behind
What I see is just the same

Maybe if I hold you
So much to say
But where do I start
I can´t believe
That I never knew that at all

It´s so hard
To realize why you always do this to me
What it takes to be yours again?
What it takes to be mine again?
Can't you see that's all i need to know?

If I don’t open up your heart
I don’t wanna know
How to get me back inside
I don’t know
Cuz everytime I try
You always keep me waiting all
alone...forever..."