Not good enough?

Hah...."another day,another dollar"...that's wut spongebob used to say..haha...but 4 me...another day,another adventure...keep on searching and searching...everyday wut i c is the same...im tired of it...the feeling of helplessness...it as though im not even alive....

there's a saying i found a year ago..."to live without a purpose is the same as being dead.."...i dun know...it's juz getting worse and worse...it's hard enough dealing with the fact that one of the person u trusted the most,lied to u...and even change...it's ok if it is 4 the better...but this...i dun know...can i judge? coz even i've change...people change...as nat says...that's true...im kinda dissapointed..i never expect to have a fren like this...fine...if u're in love...i can deal with it...if u want to put ur love one more than ur frens...that's fine 2...but plz...dun overdo it...it's been years...all those years...i didnt trust u...and when i try too...u broke that trust...i still have the others though...but still...u were one of the person i can talk childish-like...well...pirol is childish but he still more mature than me...but the others..i still feel like im not good enough 4 them...i keep saying to those people..."get the hell out of my sight..." or "i rather be alone than to become like u guys.."...but really...deep inside...im juz looking 4 a fren...i know i've got lots of them...i dun know...am i juz not grateful? everyday...i try to do the best that i could to talk to them...i would be lying if i said it is easy as pie...

even today...we had tadarus al quran...as usual...im shaking to my bones...i was searching 4 shafeeq..but he came late..i cant make uztaz wait..he was getting impatient...i saw a few of them...juz reading like it was nothing...and their happy too...probably im in the wrong side...even though some of them r not that hard working...they still can read the quran...probably that's wut makes their hearts so cool and steady...unlike mine...im hard working in my studies but not in the quran...i dun have the right to judge...probably im juz jelez that they'r so happy...probably...i rather be alone than to think that im juz an annoyance to them...

Such people...

Baru balik dari Segi...wut a long day...gi pagi...seminar start kul 11...aduh...memang bosan....xpe ar...at least 'awek' aku ada...nat smua sampai lewat...so,diorg duk belakang...excited gak...coz dpt jumpa kwn baik aku! Andrew Foo Ju Jin! Hahahahah...miss u man..."u dah makin tinggi la"...x guna ko..haha...tahu ler aku rendah...masuk petang...sakit kepala....shimata....xpela....habis tu,diorg smua nk balik ngan bas...nat tbe2 kata "bye"...aku pon.."ek,nk balik dh?"...yela...baru pkir nk berseronok sket...tapi ni la nasib aku...so,xpela...aku stay ngan nadia & sasha sementara tunggu parents aku...bnyk gak benda yg aku dpt tahu...masuk kepada topik sbenar...

Memang aku dah perasan ni lama...aku agak fed up la gak...ada la beberapa org aku jumpa over the years...some of them said the same thing to me..."aku kwn ngan smua..."....well...tell u wut....that's juz bull! i've seen how ur type socialize...if u want to use those words,plz la...org mcm ko x layak la...kalau nk tengok yg layak...ambik la pirol sebagai contoh....dia memang kwn ngan smua...yg hot ke...x hot ke...popular x popular...smua dia kacau...mcm nat ke...dia kacau smua...sentiasa ngan lawak2 dia...baik cmtu....memang la...kalau nk ikot....aku pon bukan la socialize ngan smua gak...tapi jgn samakan aku ngan org mcm ko...aku pendiam...aku layan smua...tapi disbbkan personaliti aku memang cmni...aku memang x ckp bnyk...tapi...walaupun aku x ckp bnyk...aku tetap ada naluri yg masih berfungsi...aku pon xde hak nk komen...tapi,one day...ble smua ni jadi pada ko balik...ko akan rasa apa org mcm aku rasa...

Next...

Pe...memang aku geli tengok sorg ni pegang2 kwn dia...kwn aku sorg lg kata yg mamat ni suka buat laki lain jelez..cuba teka jelez ngan apa? jelez yg dia dpt peluk2...pegang2...kaum berlainan....plz la...org bodo je akan jelez....memang...aku mengaku...aku pon ada pegang2 perempuan...kebanyakkan x sengaja...ada yg sengaja...tapi yg sengaja tu pon skadar tanya khabar je...yes...dosa tu aku tanggung...but at least...aku x cuba buat org tu jadi bernafsu...atau buat aku jadi bernafsu...bukan nk kata aku x bernafsu...well...smua bernafsu...betol x pirol? cuma cara kita kawal je la...kalau skadar pegang tok berjabat...well...kdg2..aku x sedar aku buat coz aku slalu berjabat pon ngan kwn2 terdekat....tapi x slalu...yes...memang berdosa...but...aku x mcm dia...kalau nk banding...benda yg paling 'teruk' aku lakukan pon,duduk sama kerusi...yes...dosa2....but,ada batasan gak aku tetapkan...aku x rasa dia ada batasan...aku bukan nk kutuk ke apa...tapi apa aku tahu...cuba la pkir...kalau kaum lain tengok kaum kte mcm mana...mcm penceramah BM tadi kata...org melayu...pakai baju kebaya ketat2....aduhai...btol kata dia...baik x yah pakai langsung...aku mengaku laki zaman skrg dah terok...mayb ble kte besar nanti,aku akan jumpa ramai lg org mcm ni...aku pon bukan perfect sngt...dan aku x leh kata berpegangan tu salah/x salah...tapi cuba la ada batasan....yg aku bengang ble kwn aku kata yg dia nk buat laki lain jelez...sape nk jelez? dia nk sampaikan apa? dia boleh rpt ngan perempuan sbb dia tarik2 pipi diorg...pegang2 diorg? buat aku pening je...sori sket...dengar sini...kte buat kwn dngn hati kte...bukan dngn nafsu....kte biar dia kenal kte dan kte kenal dia..."a fren can only do so much"...so,memang baik ko pkir balik apa ko dh buat...dan ko akan dpt jwpn kepada soalan yg ko sering tanya org lain...aku boleh lg tahan ngan sikap ko...tapi kalau ko mula ngan 'sikap' ko...baik aku jauhkan diri...

Maafkan kalau aku terkasar bahasa atau buat buat sesiapa tersinggung...

7 Things

Mcm2 la hari ni...went to petrosains...it was fun..it was years since i last went there..brings back memories...faisal was funny..he kept singing the dinosaur song..hahah..ble nak balik tu,our last ride..oh shoot...im the only guy..memang aku takot org pandang serong..tapi aku bukannya nk buat perkara x senonoh pon..ko leh trust aku sham? haha...but...had a migrain so i couldnt really enjoy...i knew from the morning that somethings is going to happen...it's juz like a hunch...hah...cant believe it came true...my hp strap went missing...damn it...i've search everywhere...i've retraced my steps but still couldnt find it...sori diyanah i had to drag u along...damn it...hah..it was sasuke's strap...very rare to be found...it's a gud thing it's juz a rm10 strap...i hope i can find a new one in johor...damn...and it was so young...thx 4 the ones who accompanied me along the visit...faisal...suresh...diyanah....i dun really like big crowds...someone gave me this opinion a few months ago..and probably,it's true...no matter...i dun really like when people say im 'sombong'...really....u guys should check how i am before saying anything...i like to be called a 'thinker'...i think a lot...even the most stupidest thing i could think millions of questions...and that's where i hate the most...still,with my low self-esteem,that's why im so quiet...but it depends...if u can talk to me,then i can talk to u...im not saying that im a god that u should approach...juz that...it really makes me happy if anyone..juz anyone...came & talk and joke around with me...i really appreciate it though...i know i shouldnt be doing this....it's not rite...many have told me 2 juz 4get bout her...even melissa said,"she's not worth of ur effort..."...my heart should be for another girl,like she said...even so...am i juz being stupid? one fren of mine keep saying gud things bout her...but the others would juz say..."i dun want to c u hurt.."...damn it...i wonder wut should i do...cut all ties with her? im not that kind of person...i've seen the effects on wafa years ago...i dun think i want to let anyone to feel the way she did...she does make me happy when i text her...but she already found a boyfriend 4 god's sake...i keep thinking...should i tell her how i really feel? no...she could never know coz she could never understand...and im still sitting her like a stupid wall...hoping for something that's never going to happen...we're to much the same(although i distinctively deny that,but almost everyone says we r),that's why i cant do anything...wait,can i? im still thinking bout it...here i am...admiring from afar...

I probably shouldn't say this

But at times I get so scared

When I think about the previous

Relationship we've shared

It was awesome but we lost it

It's not possible for me not to care

And now we're standing in the rain

But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear

The 7 things I hate about you

You're vain, your games, you're insecure

You like me, you love him

You make me laugh, you make me cry

I don't know which side to buy

Your friends they're jerks

And when you act like them, just know it hurts

I wanna be with the one I know

And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do

You make me love you

It's awkward and silent

As I wait for you to say

But what I need to hear now

Is your sincere apology

And when you mean it, I'll believe it

If you text it, I'll delete it

Let's be clear

Oh I'm not coming back

You're taking 7 steps here

And compared to all the great things

That would take too long to write

I probably should mention

The 7 that I like

The 7 things I like about you

Your touch, your eyes, your old Levi's

And when our eyes met, I'm hypnotized

You make me laugh, you make me cry

But I guess that's both I'll have to buy

Your hand in mine

When we're intertwined everything's alright

I want to be

With the one I know

And the 7th thing I like the most that you do

You make me love you

If...

If the rain had stopped

That day

I might surely have just walked past you

If the bus had arrived

At its usual time

I wouldn’t have met you

If that instant

Had been slightly different

We would have walked on separate paths of fate

*I always want to watch

The same future together with you

Let’s look at the same stars

At the same spot

I wonder if I am present

In the future you imagine for yourself

I want to look up to

The same sky with the same feelings

Our ways of talking and acting

Are really similar

It’s like if we have always known each other

Mailing each other at the same time

Thinking about the same things

We might have been bound together by a red thread

We fit so well together, like if

It was decided by chance right from the start

I believe we are fated to be together

I wonder if I am present

In the future you imagine for yourself

I want to look up to

The same sky with the same feelings

So we may always walk

On the same path, hand in hand

Even on days filled with tears

And on sunny days

Another week passed...nothing much...the librarians r finally retired...i was getting tired doing the work while studying...but i cant relax in the library anymore..hah...like i said..nothing much...last saturday was the day the new naruto movie was released...oh...if only i was rich..haha...well...nothing i can do..juz have to wait for it to come here...the ending theme really touched me...not sure why...i've been more down than usual this few days...i know why...i juz dun know how to react with it...yesterday was a schooling day..not to my suprise...many didnt came...only bout 5-6 people...well...i had fun...hahaha...bnyk cte...then,after school..i went to tuition...again,we were the only two present 4 the class...well,i had fun...she was sweet...and nice...hahaha

Makan sedap...

Wah...bulan ni memang 'kaya' aku...hampir tiap minggu makan makanan sedap je...17 july lalu...ada 2 jamuan...1st...jamuan bilik ekses..hohoho...aku bos....memang la best...makan2 jap...dating jap(hehe)...sblum gi ke subway....jamuan prs lak...kat situ mkn kek coklat yg memang besar dan sedap...wah2...haha...tapi keseronokkan smua tu ada harganya...nk tahu apa harganya? hah...balik2 dari jamuan tu...sakit kepala nk mampos...memang x leh bangun...boleh memang boleh but sakit gle la...migrain gle sampai kul 11...otak sakit sngt sampai aku teringat kata2 pirol,"ko potong je kepala ko"...hah...itu...aku sakit sngt coz aku cuba x mkn ubat...aku x nk rosak buah pinggang..nampaknya x berkesan...otak aku sakit sngt rasa mcm nk meletus..terpaksa mkn...akhirnya dlm kul 12...dah reda...hah...datang2 skolah...kerisauan mula timbul balik...sape yg dekat ngan aku,fhm la nape...seminggu kemudian...masuk jogathon...pe...mula2 pkir x nak lari...coz aku takot ditinggalkan sorg2...tapi aku nampak nicholas pon lari..aku pon teman la dia...at least aku pon dpt pengalaman...seronok gak...dating lagi(hehe)...sblum balik...esok tu lak bday adikku zombie...makan sedap lagi...haha...aku harap nk 'berisi' sket..but..x berkesan...aku sampai je kat rumah diyanah,ramai dah balik...wah...memang aku dah lewat gle la...xpela...dlm 10 min,mel lak dtg...at least ada la org aku leh borak...but izudin perlukan dia lg...so,lepaskan je la...aku mkn sorg...but diyanah fhm perasaan aku,so dia datang borak ngan aku...kenalkan diri aku kat mak dia...mak dia tanya,"ini putera? oh2...mana bodyguard2?"...pe...aku nak tergelak je...haha...aku kata la nama aku ni sekadar nama je...xde special pon...then,time tok balik...x guna jega...ko curik 'isteri' aku...kluar mlm2 kan? kena ko jega..hahaha...masuk skolah...mula timbul balik...haih...aku ni mcm2 akn pirol? hari ni gi sambut bday wafa lak...terkejut gak ble dijemput...aku ingat aku xkan coz aku slalu 'type' tu...aku pon terpkir la...nk gi ke x nak...aku takot aku xde kwn je...but...aku terpkir,ni last year kte...so,gi la...x kisah la apa perasaan aku ble aku sampai kat sana...janji aku datang ikhlas coz nk buat dia happy...pe..memang romantik gle la...haha...pirol2...x sangka aku...nak je aku pasangkan lagu naruto masa tu...makan2 jap sblum balik...memang kalau aku boleh,aku nak stay lama...but,aku x leh biarkan ayah aku menunggu...family kan...dia lagi penting...maaf sangt2 wafa...hadiah tunggu sebentar...otw...haha...jumpa ayah aku,dia sedap makan kat mahbub...haiyo dia tu..beli goreng pisang lagi kat tepi jalan tu sblum gi BV balik...sampai BV,beli kuih muih lg...wah2...ayah aku tanya,"nak apa2 x?"..aku kata nk kuih bakar but beli 1 je...coz takot jadi mcm last time,aku pelik 5,aku x sempat mkn,semua kena kebas oleh....ntah la sape..hahaha....kemudian,ambik kakak aku kat MAS...baru sampai rumah...balik2,mkn ubat...sembahyang jap..tido...then bangun balik tok sembahyang maghrip lak..pe..bangun2 tu memang aku rasa kebas...mcm 2-3 hari lepas...maybe effect ubat2...ni salah satu aku suka ble aku sakit...ubat2 tu buat aku x rasa apa2 dan buat aku x pkir apa2...care free je...tu sbb aku x betol sket khamis lepas nat...haha...mai ada kata,"syg aku xde awek"....dh nk buat cmne? aku x pernah ada ciri2 yg 'korg' nk...tipikal la...korg slalu nk yg cool yg hensem...betol x? aku ni pendiam...x hensem dan x cool...so? salah aku ke aku xde awek? skrg org banyak superficial je..kalau aku nk ada awek pon,biar la pemikiran dia mcm kwn amoi aku sorg ni...dia slalu pkir apa yg paling baik tentang aku...dan ble aku down,dia la yg akan risau...dia berckp ngan aku pon sbb dia tahu aku ni berperasaan mcm mana kat dalam...oh...korg jgn2 main2...aku ni nmpk je baik,mcm2 aku leh lakukan...dan aku masih bengang ble org tipu aku...lg2 org yg aku trust...kalau yg aku x trust buat pe nk peduli kan? rasa mcm diambik advantage la gak...but...biar la...aku ni memang cepat marah but aku cepat reda gak...so,kalau ko nk lupakan,aku pon boleh lupakan...ni aku ada buat beberapa minggu lepas...aku x pkir skrg begitu bermakna lagi...but post je la...

Here I am
There you are
Why does it seem so far
Next to you is where I should be
Something I
Want so bad
Know what's inside your head
Maybe I could see what you see


Gotta keep on believing
That everything takes time
I'll make up any reason
To make you mine
If you're staying or leaving
I'll follow your lead
So why keep pretending
Open your eyes
I can be what you need


Any kind of guy you want,
That's the guy I'll be
Turn myself upside down
Any kind of guy you want,
You know I'll agree
Turn your whole world around

Any kind, any kind
Any kind of guy you want
You decide
Change your mind
I will be there
Won't you try
One more try
Be my any kind of girl
You decide
It's alright
I will be there


You seem so hard to know
Say goodbye, say hello
Then you say that it's time to go
Changing my point of view
Everyday something new
Anything to get next to you


Let me know if I'm getting through
Making you understand
If it's wrong I'll try something new
Don't look away
Cause I'm here to stay
If it's a game
Then I'm gonna play

*khas tok seseorg yg disayangi di BB

Hero

Hah...since the ibadah camp..i've been feeling strange...juz a few words and it has got me confused...last week it begins...pirol told me something really disturbing..since then,i dun think i want to talk to girls anymore...im to gullible...people take advantage of me...i dun mind helping but if he/she has another purpose...like juz to use me to satisfy their needs...now,that...wut piss me off...i thought bout it for days...im not mad anymore though...but it still there...someone talk to me...her words are more then confusing...either be stupid and act like nothing ever happen...or be smart and distant myself....distant myself wasnt the best idea...but being stupid is...well...stupid....but i guess...humans r like that...it's ok..i'll talk with her when it is time...

well...today was something...i went for 2tion as usual...i dreamt bout this girl...i was really excited to meet her...when i arrived...well...standard human reaction...i got a bit shy...well...im always shy with girls...but this is..well..more shy...haha....if u know me,than...u'll know how i reacted...she was shy to...from the outside that is...it's been a long time since i felt being more shy with another girl...it was also then that i had my real convo with her...thx though...it was...interesting....

I'm no superman,
I can't take your hand,
And fly you anywhere you want to go,yeah
I can't read your mind,
Like a billboard sign,
And tell you everything you want to hear,
But I'll be your hero

Serching high and low,
Trying every road,
But if I see your face,
How will I know,yeah
I'll put my trust in fate,
That you will come my way,
And if it's right,
It's undeniable,

I can be everything you need,
If you're the one for me,
like gravity,
I'll be unstoppable,
I, yeah
Believe in destiny,
I maybe an ordinary guy with heart and soul,
But if you're the one for me,
Then I'll be a hero,

So incredible,
Some kind of miracle,
When it's meant to be,
I'll become A hero, oh
So I wait,
Wait,
Wait,
Wait for you!

Ibadah(?) camp...

Hah...memang letih gle la camp tu...maybe camp yg paling letih...aduhai...mcm2 la explain..mlm tu...ckp pasal dosa2 yg dilakukan...abg tu minta renung...rasa bersalah la gak...bnyk budak nangis...x tahu la hati aku dh keras sampai x nangis...tapi...memang rasa la bersalah...tapi nk buat cmne kan? kte x lepas dari buat dosa...ble mkn...nmpk kwn2 mcmm sedih...risau la gak...so...tanya la sket...x nk kata apa but rasa mcm perlu....sorg kata sedih tengok pic2 acheh....sorg lg...nmpk mata merah...but aku kenal dia ni jenis cmne...so,x tanya la....cuma wish slmt mlm je..laki mcm rilek je...so,x tanya la...

pagi,bangun qialmullai(betol ke eja?)...memang mengantuk...nasib baik x tertido masa sujud mcm masa darjah enam...boleh la tertido..pelik2...gi mkn jap...mel tanya,ok x? dia tahu2 je ble aku sedih walaupon aku sendiri x sedar....ada lagi ceramah...ramai lg budak nangis...aku admit...ada air mata keluar sket...aduh...memang jadi mangsa abg tu...malu gle...mel kata aku nmpk mcm nak nangis..ye ke? haha...cuak je kot...mandi jap..sbb sorg ni bg penampar kat belakang aku...kira mcm wake up call la...haha...'thx' sham...aku wangi lg apa waktu tu...then...gi la mandi...nmpk sorg ni masuk surau sorg2....aku dh penat berdiam diri...aku pon msg,ok ke?...dia jwb ok..but nmpk sngt x...risau la gak...akhirnya balik...anyway...aku admit...sejak beberapa minggu ni pon aku jadi secretive sket...aku tahu...ko kata private...juz hear this...maybe i can help? actually...i want to help...wednesday lepas...slapas yg aku sedih gle selasa tu...amoi ni kata,never keep it in urself...i know im not in the position to talk coz aku pon masih memendam...aku ada masalah sendiri...but aku x kisah tinggalkan masalah2 aku tok tlg sape2...lg2...kwn2 aku...it's ur choice...i wont force u...but,im rite here waiting for you,ok?

"...If I ask, will you answer? ...It's your problem. A deep, deep problem. I have no right to know. I don't have a method of stepping into the depths of your heart without getting it dirty. So I'll wait. When you want to talk, when you think it's okay to talk... Talk to me. Until that time, I'll wait." - Rukia Kuchiki