a new leaf...

ehm...i think i got some answers....tq again chibi & efi! i think im asking too much....like u said efi,i should be thankful....ahhh....how stupid i can be huh? i think it's time for me too truly trust my frens...im blurr when making decissions....no more emo huh,kecik? time for me to make my own decissions...not making it by depending on others....i do have frens....frens who truly cares about me...thx guys! im just too depress to see it....now,i can see it...kecik,u said that we each may need our alone time,but isnt it when we're alone it will only get worse? we need frens that can guide us through the dakrness and into the light....just like i need u guys....i didnt mean that im happy when my frens tortures me....i mean im happy when i do something that will make my frens happy..like,telling jokes...comfort them....make them feel like they r never alone as long as they have frens...that's wut i meant when i said im happy when my frens r happy...i dun like when they torture me...is that wut u call frens? people who abandon u when u need him/her the most? people who doesnt even care about u? i know im not funny like acap,akmal,syamil,khairi or like any other boys who's at my school...i know im boring....but,ill try my best to make the ones i care about,happy through out their lives....time to think positive...time to leave the scars behind...let it heal....my real story starts now...a new chapter...a new beginning....venture through the darkness with the help of my frens...returning to the light...time to turn over a new leaf!

aint rite....

efi,sham,syaheela.....thx for the kind words....it really means alot....sori to say this again efi,but it's hard being different....i know u said that im unique...maybe but it's hard to fit in...like sham said,i always look serious and people will get scared to greet me....i admit,my face do look serious...there's a reason for that....i think about things more deeply than anyone i knew....when i think,my face will look serious....huh...if the goverment were to invent a medicine that can slow down the brain,i would gladly buy it no natter how much the cost.....ehm....oh and some people called me blurr...but actually,im not that blurr...it's just that when people r talking to me,i tend to think about things....non-important things...that's just my 'disease'....haha! ehm...even faisal said that im different from the other boys...he set an example...he said,"khairi x bnyk duit tapi ramai kwn,ko bnyk duit tapi x ramai kwn"....ehm....still,everyday when i wake up,i just get this feeling that something is missing...something isnt rite....last year,sue yin said that it might be my confidence that im missing...but,as the years pass by,i dun think confidence is my problem....there is something else....not sure wut...im still searching...but on the 19th jan(last week monday),im not sure but i think i got a glimpse of wut i was missing...ehm...not sure wut...i think my problems started when my grandmother died....since her death,my problems just got worse and worse....but i did have some happy moments like getting gud results for the PMR,meeting people that i can trust.....but i can tell one thing for sure,when my grandmother died,i made a vow...a vow to not let anyone down,or hurt,or alone....i promise myself that,i will help the people i care about(akmal,sham,efi,syaheela,maple or my class) no matter wut the cost....even i am different from them,ill help them...(this is for my pet sis)that's why im always with u...i always saw u walking alone...in wut i have experience,alone is a dreadful feeling...that's why i care so much about u...ok,u may say that u dun care,but still,im my dictionary,no one should be left alone....even if we hate them(example : the bacteria group)....haha! i remebered something...melissa once said that i care about other people too much...i should think about myself once in a while...then she said,"but that's quite selfish"...haha...mel2....still,i admit i think about my frens more than i care about myself...but a few years back,i learn that i can never be happy by myself....im only happy when my frens r happy...but that was when i still have kevin,arif and the other guys...now,im not pretty sure....but surely i must admit,on the 19th jan,i was very happy....i havent felt that much fun in a long time...thx to one i spend time with....that day,i didnt felt the empty void that has been bothering me for years....but that last only a day....2 days later,the empty void becomes bigger.....but now,it's a bit average...but i can still feel the emptyness of my heart....but,im too afraid too become emo now...a certain 'someone' will slap me endlessly until i get to my senses ;p
but still,i cant shake this feeling off....i hope when im old enough(hope 2 years tops),i hope to fill the empty void with someone....

confuse...

ehm...i wonder....i think im too 'open' about things in my head....maybe that's why i dun get many frens that i can trust...each time when i thought i could trust someone then, BAM!!!
he/she 'hits' me behind my back....damn...i cant take this anymore....maybe,i should lie to myself....maybe i should lie to others...then,they will truly accept me....it's been 4 years...i havent got anyone who i can truly trust....ehm....maybe that 'article' trishna gave me was true...i am destined to be alone...if that is how it is,so be it....i cant take this.....probably this will be my last entry bout my feelings....so,i should close back my heart....wut's the use? even if i 'open' it to someone,it doesnt matter....sori mel,efi,but looks like im not the person u thought im gonna be....