Sayang dan Benci

Bagaimana cara membuatmu bahagia
Nyaris ku menyerah jalani semua
Telah berbagai kata ku ungkap percuma
Agar kau percaya persahabatanku berharga

Tak kuat ku menahanmu
Mempertahankan perasaanku
Namun kau begitu saja
Tak pernah merindu

Sungguh aku tak bisa
Sampai kapan pun tak bisa
Membenci dirimu
Sesungguhnya aku tak mampu
Sulit untuk ku bisa
Sangat sulit ku tak bisa
Memisahkan segala sayang dan benci yang ku rasa

Apa kau mengerti ku sedih sendiri?
Tanpa ada kamu ku merasa sepi
Telah lama ku menantimu
Diam sendiri menunggu
Setengah hati menyayangi
Ku sakit karenamu...

Secluding...

It's true that I've been keeping my distant with some people...I don't think I can take it anymore...It's true that problems will start to rise once I get close to someone...

That's why I choose to back away...sometimes it is really sad watching myself walking alone to class...it is sad when I watch my class/coursemates walking and laughing together...they needed each other and they spend time with each other...as much as I want to join, I know that I can't...I will create problems they will never even imagine...no one can be patient with me because I can't even be patient with myself...but is this the right way? I never want to cause any more trouble than they can handle...

Overestimate...

As time goes by, I think the number of the people I can trust is getting less and less...the other day, there was a class...I went to my usual seat and getting ready for the class and the arrival of the people who always sat beside me...most of them didn't came..I think there was only two of them...So I asked them to sit beside me, but one of them said that I was boring because I was too quiet...like that wasn't hurtful enough, they went and sit beside the people who resented me...

I know I'm quiet...I know I'm boring...for years I've struggle to become more talkative...and I thought they were more mature than this...looks like I've overestimated them....all of them...

Even in my school years I've gotten that kind of insult from other people...and it's true, I don't have many friends but many enemies...just because I'm quiet...just because I'm different...like I said before, it's like high school all over again...what can I do right? It's their wish to hang out with anyone they like...and it's not me...so be it...I gave them to many chances already...enough is enough...just when I thought they were my friends...guess now, they 'were' my friends...I value our friendship but if this is how they value ours, then it's not worth it...

Nightmares...

Losing her as friend most probably one of the most regrettable moments in my life yet...i keep having the same nightmares ever since she's beginning to distance herself from me...

It's true,i am paranoid...i think a lot...it's damaging me...things haven't been right for me lately...i keep searching for that something again...once i found it,i'll ruined it...

Probably for them,i'm their nightmare...it's true what one of their friend said...everytime i get close to one girl,i'll begin to talk to her a lot...and i'll ruined the friendship as fast as i create it...it isn't right...i am not right...i'm trying to stand but i feel like i keep falling down...probably i'm not meant to have people around me...i don't know...i tried to get close but instead they're are like so far away from me...there's nothing i can do...

As long as i don't feel complete....i could never get this problem solve...as long as this problem exist it's better if i just shut myself from the world...

I don't deserve anyone and i should know better...i'm just a nightmare...

Nothing Can Be Done...

I went to mid valley again today...I talked with one my friends yesterday and I said that I might not be able to control myself if I were to go there again...2 weeks ago I went there and almost everywhere I turned I saw a glimpse of her face...maybe it's because at that time I was still not sure why she was so mad at me and I was consumed by guilt...it was hard because my mum wanted me to go the MPH to buy some books and that was the 1st place where I met and went out with her...I was down the whole trip but it's a good thing my parents didn't realize anything...I said to myself, "I really 'did it' this time"...

But today it was easier to handle my feelings...maybe because I already know the reason she's mad at me...and I realize there's nothing more that could be done...I did everything I could...but this time the song Cold As Stone by Lady Antebellum was playing in my head as we passed by The Gardens and MPH...as much as I want us to go back to the way it was and be friends again, the decision is hers whether or not she wants to talk to me ever again...I just found out what she's wrote in a book she bought for me...and when I read it, the more guilt i felt...and I just have to say goodbye to those memories...probably I feel like this cause she reminded me a bit of a girl I used to like...but honestly now, I just like her company...she was loud, irritating, annoying but the best part is she was just so full of life all the time...she was a good friend...one that I'll never forget...as i was walking through Mid, and remembered what has happened so far, the worse it gets...but I just keep on telling myself, "there's nothing more that can be done"

You hate me that much, there's no other way than to just walk away...

Bad To Worse

It seems like they're ganging up to get me...the situation has gone bad to worse...it's a good thing I don't have Malaysian Studies this week...I don't have to look at their faces and be guilty for it...one of the guys asked me if i was ok or not this morning...I don't want to have a fight with him too...but I still feel guilty about this girl...just because of one gossip, she doesn't want to speak to me...it kinda hurt but i care more about if she's hurt or not...now, it is really hard to get an answer because she doesn't want to have anything to do with me...I told them a million times I didn't like her...now,who's the one that got hurt? damn it...such immature minds..It's too late to do anything....

I try to find the words when you walk by
But words just can't explain the way I feel, inside
My friends keep saying you're untouchable
And I can't help feeling invisible

I'd give anything to catch your eye
So you could see me in a different light
Tell me what's it gonna take, cuz I
Wish you would notice me
If you'd only give me just one chance
I could be the one, here I am
What's it gonna take to understand
I wish you would notice me

You've got a light that never seems to fade
I'm drawn to you and I can't look away
We come from different places, I know
But two worlds colliding could be beautiful

I wonder if you know how amazing you are
You leave me breathless
You didn't even try but you stole my heart
And I don't want it back

*This is just a sign of friendship and i really missed that 'Friend'...

Repeating history...

I can't believe what i'm hearing...

For the past few weeks, a few people were looking at me differently than they usually do...i thought i was being paranoid so i let it pass...

Then one girl, was being very rude...i asked if she was alright and she answered in a very rude way...then once she labelled me as,"that boy"...she didn't even called my name...so,that usually means that she doesn't like me that much...then the third time, i asked one of my friends a question and she answered in a very rude way...so, i'm not the type to fight back so i just walked away and went to my room quietly...

I thought she was having a drama or something because last year,she was very kind to me...now,it's like she's disgusted by me...when i looked back, majority from her gang was looking at me differently....so,it has to be something...since her other friend just suddenly stop talking to me...

One my friends gathered some information,and finally everything falls into place...looks like almost all of them are annoyed with me...they said that everytime i get close to a girl, i would tend to text her more frequently and discuss about 'unnecessary' things...i only frequently texted with are only two girls from 6/7 members of their group...why would the others be annoyed? it doesn't make sense....it's either they're immature,or they just don't want the one that has the 'big influence' get offended...but i never texted if it's unnecessary...the only one i tell my stories is only to one girl...the other one i just like to mess with her...but my stories aren't ridiculous...isn't that a stupid reason to avoid me? and the one that has the big influence probably avoid me because of the gossip we had...but it's only a gossip...i never said anything that i like her...and before this she was fine with it...why now?

I thought i left this kind of history in high school....looks like it followed me here...but in high school i was more naive than i was now...i just have to walked away...but it is worth it? they were my friends that i used to have fun with...now? can i trust them? was it a mistake to trust them? I only want to know what the one with the big influence talked about me...if she's ok with me,then I'm OK....but i guess, girls with her kind of type, i won't get the answer easily...few years back, this kind of thing happened before...and that lasted almost a year...

It's true that i tend to text people that i feel i can get close to more often i usually would...but that's just because i want somebody to talk to...