I miss you...

Ehm...4 years has it been? ehm...doing my oral test last monday kinda brings back the memories...i was really nervous but a few frens gave me support...i really thankful...i thought i wanted to give a message but i was 2 nervous until i forgot bout it...damn..."u'll never know how precious someone is until u lose that someone"...ehm...my frend did her oral today...it was really suprising that she got 18..i mean,she did really gud...if i were to judge,i would have given her at least 25...but i saw her eyes watered when it was over...dun worry la...u did really gud! i was proud of u...atleast u were better than me...today was also my other fren's birthday...she made a party and as usual...i wasnt invited...i would be lying if i say that im fine...but,wut can i do? i was never enough 4 anybody...i never had the looks or the 'coolness' like my frens that were invited..naim wanted me to join but from his face i knew that he knew the bday girl wouldnt approve...my closet frens were invited...and it really hurts to be left out...my fren whom followed me to McD,suggested throw some rocks or we can go to party,say hi and snatch the piza and run...well,he was kinda mad too...wut can we do? i tried to think positive but wut can i make this,wut i see,wut i feel,to be a positive thing? but i keep on living...sometimes,i just ask myself,"wut do i live 4?"...well...like i said in my oral test,i wasnt the same anymore...i miss u so much...since u died,nothing was ever the same...the pic above was taken on my last Raya day...the year of 2004...it happens so fast...so much problems...but so little answers...will this heart ever heals? who can heal it? im so scared...is somebody out there that can lend a hand? i wonder...i used to be so strong...now,i dun know anymore...im angrier than ever...but i dun know why...wait...i do know...im angry at myself...coz im confuse...i dun wut's rite or wrong anymore...damn i just wish i can throw away this pain...

"You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms

I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I know you're in a better place,
But I wish that I could see your face,
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you..."

Damn...im sorry sham...

Damn it...wut have i done? wut the heck was i thinking...i dun want to lose u...i shouldnt have said wut i said...plz! sham! give me one more chance! i cant lose u....u were like arif and kevin...they were the puzzle of my heart...they complete me...as u were...im just sad that now is different...i know u want me to stand by my own two feet...im trying...but it really helps if u just give me a little support...just a little...im not really confident in myself..u held my hand before...i miss those times...i know i cross the line when i 'kong2' u...i didnt realize wut i was doing...i didnt know it hurt u...i lose M...but im still trying to win her heart...but i dun want to lose a fren...u r precious to me...i mean,as a fren la...not more than that...and it cant be less...This monday...we have the oral test rite...if u just say that u're with me,im sure i can do it...plz sham...u mean more to me than u know...that doesnt mean that i like u or anything...u know who i like rite? u know that im just weird...a bit different...it's true...im a true 'bongsu"...im ashamed...i didnt mean that i want u to literally hold my hands...i just need ur support...that's all...like last year...u ask me a few day ago that im mad at...i didnt answer...yes,i was mad at u coz i thought u lied to me...but when i hear from nat that wafa made u go,i felt ashamed...i shouldnt have given u the silent treatment...im deeply sori...if we can forget the whole fights ever happen,i promise to do anything for u...i promise...we had a lot of fights and it has change me...on the outside...u were the only one who brings peace to my turmoil after those 3 years...i dun know why...but last year,it felt like u understand me...and i still believe that...remember,last year when u cried coz ur voice wasnt loud enough and uztazah made acap read for u? when i heard that,i promise to not make u cry again rite? it is really foolish to say this...but,u did really gave me confidence...can we forget the whole thing ever happen? i can try if u want...and u want me to treat u like a normal fren rite? i can if u want...remember those songs that i gave u for ur present? listen to them...it speaks my mind bout u...i cant lose u...i wont lose another fren...u r precious to me...like i said,not more than a fren but not less...so,if u read this post,plz let me know...i dun want to fight no more...i want us to be like before...