Taylor's...I can't believe I'm saying this but I really miss that place...I'm not really sure why because last year at this time of year, I hated that place...I cursed it a lot everytime I went back home...reading back my earlier post,I'm not sure when I started to bond with that place...is it when the time I met the MARA guys? is it when I met Annisa and the gang? or I really started to bond that place at the beginning of sem 2 when I had a lot of friends? I remember walking alone to the library everytime there's a gap between classes. I had a friend but he used to cut classes so I was always alone. Even when in class I couldn't begin a convo. "I just want to go back to my room" was always in my head during that time. I think after the field trip I was feeling better because I got close to some of the MARA students. They accepted me at first and it was fun. Islamic Studies was the only class I looked forward to come. Then I met new people by the lake...one was from Sarawak and one was from Johor. For the first time in months,I was actually happy. Even one of my friends said that I looked happier than before. Every night I went out with them to eat. Sometimes I didn't eat but I just studied with them. It was really fun. I actually had reasons to go to campus more than I should...Farah Yunos, Kak Sya, Annisa, Cat, Syamim, Jarir...Bisyri, Nadiah, Goh...I opened up to them...laugh with them...went out with them...all the things I thought was impossible after the break up...they thought me a lot...lessons learned that I will never forget...I could still seem them on the weekends...they're not so far away...I keep telling myself that...but it's different now isn't it?
I'm not sure...I miss them a lot...everyday seems so hard to get through...every morning my body feels so heavy to get up from bed...damn it...my head is confuse...everyone said that it will take some time for me to get comfortable here...how long will it take? how much more can I take? Sometimes I feel like I just want to pack my begs and go there to be there with them again...damn it...how is it that I've become so weak? I don't remember being this weak last year....is it because I've opened up to some people? Is trusting people makes you weak? I'm not really sure...hoping for anyone to comfort me everyday,it probably what I want...but it is too much to ask from someone...I know I have to be strong...but how...
Damn it...early this year,I didn't trust anyone with my problems...I hid and ran away from everyone I was close to...with that,my bond with a few people turned upside down...she even scolded me and asked why I'd always ran away when I have a problem...that's the only way I see fit to let my problems go away...There's nothing anyone could do...Even if I said anything,and knowing they can't help,and it makes them sad...But since then, I let some people in...for a while, they made me happy...I didn't hate Taylor's anymore...I began to love spending my time there with them...they made me stronger...In February, I decided to leave Taylor's..I began to hate that place again after some fight had happened...I was struggling with people around me...even of my friends said that I looked tired and anxious...I've made up my mind at that time that I wanted to go away as far as possible...but now...why did I wanted to leave...I could have just gone to Monash and be near to them...damn it...Sometimes I really wish that I could turn back time and stop me from entering the form to Nottingham...
But now...it's different again...
Silent wanderer...
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Is It Over?
9-2? Is equal to 7 months right? So it has already been 7 months since she and I fought...sometimes the days are easy but some seems like forever...probably it is my fault that we fought...that's why I'm feeling so guilty...
She was fun, hyperactive, always smiling, always making people laugh even when they're down...she was one interesting friend...one I still regret losing over some stupid gossip...I should have confront her sooner...sooner that the gossip spreads out...even after the gossip got out and she believed it, I still wasn't able to manage it very well...was she emberrassed? It's a bit lonely here...and I kept thinking about Taylor's...all the mistakes I've made...I wish I could take it all back...I tried talking to her...but it seems like she's still angry towards me...what I should do? or rather, what can I do? I've tried everything and every one of my friends said to just ignore her...is this the right way?
She was fun, hyperactive, always smiling, always making people laugh even when they're down...she was one interesting friend...one I still regret losing over some stupid gossip...I should have confront her sooner...sooner that the gossip spreads out...even after the gossip got out and she believed it, I still wasn't able to manage it very well...was she emberrassed? It's a bit lonely here...and I kept thinking about Taylor's...all the mistakes I've made...I wish I could take it all back...I tried talking to her...but it seems like she's still angry towards me...what I should do? or rather, what can I do? I've tried everything and every one of my friends said to just ignore her...is this the right way?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
New Place, A New Life
Last week was orientation week...it was fightening...trying to get along....trying to meet new people...trying to adapt...the 1st night felt like forever...I couldn't sleep...the next day was orientation...there were lectures the whole day...but I went back home later that evening...
My classes started yesterday...it was less frightening...but once I got back to my rented house,everything seems to be upside down...although I had a friend from Taylor's sharing a room with me, 'that' feeling didn't go away...pictures of the ones I cared about keep popping in my head...and everytime,a tear will come out...I just hope this feeling won't last for too long...I tried asking a few of my friends...and each of them gave a different answer...it was sad though...it felt like I was dissapointing them...but they kept saying that this feeling will go away and I was lucky enough that I could still see my family on the weekends...I know that and I keep telling myself that there are others who suffered more than me...but the feelings still didn't go away...this is only the 2nd day...I jus hope by next week,it will disappear...but for the people who gave me advice and are so patient with me, I just want to say that I really appreciate it...thank you :)
My classes started yesterday...it was less frightening...but once I got back to my rented house,everything seems to be upside down...although I had a friend from Taylor's sharing a room with me, 'that' feeling didn't go away...pictures of the ones I cared about keep popping in my head...and everytime,a tear will come out...I just hope this feeling won't last for too long...I tried asking a few of my friends...and each of them gave a different answer...it was sad though...it felt like I was dissapointing them...but they kept saying that this feeling will go away and I was lucky enough that I could still see my family on the weekends...I know that and I keep telling myself that there are others who suffered more than me...but the feelings still didn't go away...this is only the 2nd day...I jus hope by next week,it will disappear...but for the people who gave me advice and are so patient with me, I just want to say that I really appreciate it...thank you :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
19 Years Old
Wow...I'm 19 already...and next year I'm going to be 20! Shoot...I feel so old...looking back I haven't really change this last few years...not emotionally...but some say that I think differently now...is it because of the break up? Not really sure...but probably it played some part to it...I read back a few messages that I've saved last year...
Reading it back, I sounded so childish...shoot...then I went and read some of the comments that I posted on some of my friends' photos...the same...and it was just last year! How could I've been like that? No wonder people always picked on me...but looking back, I've always felt different...people always looked at me differently anyway...it's so irratating...I've made so many mistakes in just one year...and in just one year, I lost 3 friends...or maybe more but my record still stands though...but could I really called them my 'friends'? I thought friends are the ones who will do anything but hurt you...and they won't let small matters tear them apart...sometimes I really do wonder is it only me that cherished every bond I've made and other's just don't care about it...why is it that the people who fought with me are always the respected ones and have many friends and me, well, people always dislike me...for years I've watched by the side lines...have I really change in some ways? Or it's just that my heart has turn cold...I thought I left all this drama in High School...looks like it followed me...could I really be the same guy who my old friends respected? Is he really still inside of me somewhere...sometimes I really do think that I've become a monster...is it by getting older, I'll become more heartless?
Reading it back, I sounded so childish...shoot...then I went and read some of the comments that I posted on some of my friends' photos...the same...and it was just last year! How could I've been like that? No wonder people always picked on me...but looking back, I've always felt different...people always looked at me differently anyway...it's so irratating...I've made so many mistakes in just one year...and in just one year, I lost 3 friends...or maybe more but my record still stands though...but could I really called them my 'friends'? I thought friends are the ones who will do anything but hurt you...and they won't let small matters tear them apart...sometimes I really do wonder is it only me that cherished every bond I've made and other's just don't care about it...why is it that the people who fought with me are always the respected ones and have many friends and me, well, people always dislike me...for years I've watched by the side lines...have I really change in some ways? Or it's just that my heart has turn cold...I thought I left all this drama in High School...looks like it followed me...could I really be the same guy who my old friends respected? Is he really still inside of me somewhere...sometimes I really do think that I've become a monster...is it by getting older, I'll become more heartless?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Foundation Year
I've finally finished my foundation year! Yeah...Well, let's start from the beginning...the orientation week...
I was a nervous wreck...I didn't know anyone...I was sitting alone in lecture theater 12 behind some MARA students...and one of them looked like someone I really resent back then...So, I resent them all for a while...I don't really remember what happened in the next few days but I did made one valuable friend that I know I can cherished for the rest of my life...We were like brothers from another mother...the only bad thing is he likes to cut class =.= then I met two new guy friends...one of them was from Perak and the other was from Kedah...All 4 of us would later be hanging out together...Then Mr Yap from Algebra class introduce himself...I could still remember how hard was it for me to catch up with Algebra since I've forgotten a lot about maths...Then it was English class, Ms Vivien asked us to introduced ourselves...Then there's this one person that really reminded me of someone I knew and until now I couldn't figure out who it was...I gave up later...Then we started studying...and it was very difficult...I know that sooner or later I would have to confront the MARA students...then it came my chance in Islamic Studies...and there was one familiar face, only that she is a lot thinner than the one I knew...and for the 1st time in 11 years, I was excited to be in Islamic Studies' class...I met a lot of new people...then there's the Islamic Studies' trip to a kindergarten...it was exciting and overwhelming...I still resented a few at the time and there was this one particular that hated me but she was the one that helped me to calm the kids down...I can't believe how much she's grown over the months...there was this other person that caught my attention and I was really shocked how young she was...after the month of October, things got really rough...I thought I've pass that but the worse has yet to come...things have been like a roller coaster until the Finals for semester 1...I slept really late at night...sometimes up to 4 in the morning...but it was worth it...I had a lot of fun in the process...met new friends...after the Finals, even though it was only for 3 weeks, it was enough for a break...
At the beginning of the second semester, I knew that things couldn't be the same because I need to work harder since my results for my 1st sem was not that good...some friendships were tested...new bonds were formed and others were severed...things got really complicated in the month of February...and the situation got worse by the week...a lot of fights...a lot of harsh words were spoken out...fuh....but since I'm leaving that place, things will get back to normal...If one of us has to go, it should be me...then there was our Integrated Science Project...every week was a test for me...how to handle my group's decision and feelings...guess that was just the beginning...although my group didn't win, the experience I had was valuable...same goes for our English Term Project where I had to discard my feelings of shame for my group...acting? that's just isn't me...haha...I was so sick that day...I'm not really sure where did the strength to came out to the stage and continue with the role play came from...it was hard since every step I took I got weaker and weaker...I guess when you cared about people and you made a promise to go through with it, the strength just came within...no matter what happens to your body...after all of the projects and assignments were dealt with, I thought the stress would decrease, but I was wrong since the Finals were getting closer and closer and my results were still unstable...but it all paid off when I got my results a few weeks ago Alhamdulillah...
Somewhere in March, I really had planned everything to transfer into another University after Foundation year...but now, I'm not so sure...haha...although I know that transferring is the best choice for my future...guess people could really influence your decisions...now for the appreciation part...
Looking back from what I've done and the decisions I've made, there were some that I still regret...like I said, some bonds were severed but as the ones that were severed, new ones were formed...some friends were lost and there's nothing more that I could do...the ones that I've made and are still with me now, I'm grateful that I've met you guys...from the beginning I know that history will repeat itself unless I could find the answers I'm looking for...and it did, history did repeat itself in all sort of ways...and as time goes by, I'm not really sure whether I've changed for the better or worse...from my point of view, I got worse...and I think some people would agree...it's harder for me to control my anger at some point...and I lashed out at some of you...and for that, I'm very sorry...some of you must be wondering why at some point I could tell you everything, but at some point I secluded myself...that's my fault...sometimes the more I talk, the harder it gets...I know that some of you said to me to not keep it to myself...I must have made some of you angry because I still keep it to myself at times...since I'm the only son in my family, I guess it's just an automatic response...sorry for that...sometimes I think that if I did tell, some of you will get hurt...but you guys still asked me whether I'm doing okay or not...and I'm grateful that you guys still have some patience to deal with me...I know that I have many weaknesses and I'm still working it out...I've caused a lot of trouble haven't I? haha...I couldn't have asked for better people to meet with...thank you for everything and I hoped our friendship can last forever....although I'm leaving, I'll make sure to keep in touch with you guys...it was really a hectic year eh? I can't right much since the more I right, I'll get more emotional...but I'm sure you guys understand what I'm trying to say...so, again, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! YOU WILL BE MISSED! You'll always have a placed in my heart...
Here's two songs that I would like you guys to listen...
I'll Always Remember You
Wherever I Go
I was a nervous wreck...I didn't know anyone...I was sitting alone in lecture theater 12 behind some MARA students...and one of them looked like someone I really resent back then...So, I resent them all for a while...I don't really remember what happened in the next few days but I did made one valuable friend that I know I can cherished for the rest of my life...We were like brothers from another mother...the only bad thing is he likes to cut class =.= then I met two new guy friends...one of them was from Perak and the other was from Kedah...All 4 of us would later be hanging out together...Then Mr Yap from Algebra class introduce himself...I could still remember how hard was it for me to catch up with Algebra since I've forgotten a lot about maths...Then it was English class, Ms Vivien asked us to introduced ourselves...Then there's this one person that really reminded me of someone I knew and until now I couldn't figure out who it was...I gave up later...Then we started studying...and it was very difficult...I know that sooner or later I would have to confront the MARA students...then it came my chance in Islamic Studies...and there was one familiar face, only that she is a lot thinner than the one I knew...and for the 1st time in 11 years, I was excited to be in Islamic Studies' class...I met a lot of new people...then there's the Islamic Studies' trip to a kindergarten...it was exciting and overwhelming...I still resented a few at the time and there was this one particular that hated me but she was the one that helped me to calm the kids down...I can't believe how much she's grown over the months...there was this other person that caught my attention and I was really shocked how young she was...after the month of October, things got really rough...I thought I've pass that but the worse has yet to come...things have been like a roller coaster until the Finals for semester 1...I slept really late at night...sometimes up to 4 in the morning...but it was worth it...I had a lot of fun in the process...met new friends...after the Finals, even though it was only for 3 weeks, it was enough for a break...
At the beginning of the second semester, I knew that things couldn't be the same because I need to work harder since my results for my 1st sem was not that good...some friendships were tested...new bonds were formed and others were severed...things got really complicated in the month of February...and the situation got worse by the week...a lot of fights...a lot of harsh words were spoken out...fuh....but since I'm leaving that place, things will get back to normal...If one of us has to go, it should be me...then there was our Integrated Science Project...every week was a test for me...how to handle my group's decision and feelings...guess that was just the beginning...although my group didn't win, the experience I had was valuable...same goes for our English Term Project where I had to discard my feelings of shame for my group...acting? that's just isn't me...haha...I was so sick that day...I'm not really sure where did the strength to came out to the stage and continue with the role play came from...it was hard since every step I took I got weaker and weaker...I guess when you cared about people and you made a promise to go through with it, the strength just came within...no matter what happens to your body...after all of the projects and assignments were dealt with, I thought the stress would decrease, but I was wrong since the Finals were getting closer and closer and my results were still unstable...but it all paid off when I got my results a few weeks ago Alhamdulillah...
Somewhere in March, I really had planned everything to transfer into another University after Foundation year...but now, I'm not so sure...haha...although I know that transferring is the best choice for my future...guess people could really influence your decisions...now for the appreciation part...
Looking back from what I've done and the decisions I've made, there were some that I still regret...like I said, some bonds were severed but as the ones that were severed, new ones were formed...some friends were lost and there's nothing more that I could do...the ones that I've made and are still with me now, I'm grateful that I've met you guys...from the beginning I know that history will repeat itself unless I could find the answers I'm looking for...and it did, history did repeat itself in all sort of ways...and as time goes by, I'm not really sure whether I've changed for the better or worse...from my point of view, I got worse...and I think some people would agree...it's harder for me to control my anger at some point...and I lashed out at some of you...and for that, I'm very sorry...some of you must be wondering why at some point I could tell you everything, but at some point I secluded myself...that's my fault...sometimes the more I talk, the harder it gets...I know that some of you said to me to not keep it to myself...I must have made some of you angry because I still keep it to myself at times...since I'm the only son in my family, I guess it's just an automatic response...sorry for that...sometimes I think that if I did tell, some of you will get hurt...but you guys still asked me whether I'm doing okay or not...and I'm grateful that you guys still have some patience to deal with me...I know that I have many weaknesses and I'm still working it out...I've caused a lot of trouble haven't I? haha...I couldn't have asked for better people to meet with...thank you for everything and I hoped our friendship can last forever....although I'm leaving, I'll make sure to keep in touch with you guys...it was really a hectic year eh? I can't right much since the more I right, I'll get more emotional...but I'm sure you guys understand what I'm trying to say...so, again, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! YOU WILL BE MISSED! You'll always have a placed in my heart...
Here's two songs that I would like you guys to listen...
I'll Always Remember You
Wherever I Go
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sayang dan Benci
Bagaimana cara membuatmu bahagia
Nyaris ku menyerah jalani semua
Telah berbagai kata ku ungkap percuma
Agar kau percaya persahabatanku berharga
Tak kuat ku menahanmu
Mempertahankan perasaanku
Namun kau begitu saja
Tak pernah merindu
Sungguh aku tak bisa
Sampai kapan pun tak bisa
Membenci dirimu
Sesungguhnya aku tak mampu
Sulit untuk ku bisa
Sangat sulit ku tak bisa
Memisahkan segala sayang dan benci yang ku rasa
Apa kau mengerti ku sedih sendiri?
Tanpa ada kamu ku merasa sepi
Telah lama ku menantimu
Diam sendiri menunggu
Setengah hati menyayangi
Ku sakit karenamu...
Nyaris ku menyerah jalani semua
Telah berbagai kata ku ungkap percuma
Agar kau percaya persahabatanku berharga
Tak kuat ku menahanmu
Mempertahankan perasaanku
Namun kau begitu saja
Tak pernah merindu
Sungguh aku tak bisa
Sampai kapan pun tak bisa
Membenci dirimu
Sesungguhnya aku tak mampu
Sulit untuk ku bisa
Sangat sulit ku tak bisa
Memisahkan segala sayang dan benci yang ku rasa
Apa kau mengerti ku sedih sendiri?
Tanpa ada kamu ku merasa sepi
Telah lama ku menantimu
Diam sendiri menunggu
Setengah hati menyayangi
Ku sakit karenamu...
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Secluding...
It's true that I've been keeping my distant with some people...I don't think I can take it anymore...It's true that problems will start to rise once I get close to someone...
That's why I choose to back away...sometimes it is really sad watching myself walking alone to class...it is sad when I watch my class/coursemates walking and laughing together...they needed each other and they spend time with each other...as much as I want to join, I know that I can't...I will create problems they will never even imagine...no one can be patient with me because I can't even be patient with myself...but is this the right way? I never want to cause any more trouble than they can handle...
That's why I choose to back away...sometimes it is really sad watching myself walking alone to class...it is sad when I watch my class/coursemates walking and laughing together...they needed each other and they spend time with each other...as much as I want to join, I know that I can't...I will create problems they will never even imagine...no one can be patient with me because I can't even be patient with myself...but is this the right way? I never want to cause any more trouble than they can handle...
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